What do you do when your abusive ex apologizes or even says that they’ve repented? They might call you, or they might send a family member and tell you that, “Hey, I’m sorry for what I did to you in the past, and I’ve even started going to church. I’m now seeing a therapist and I’m very, very sorry, and I want you back.”

These are actually very, very tough spots to be in because you’re like, “Yeah, this person is now starting to acknowledge what they did in the past. This person is now starting to be that man or woman I want to spend my life with.” So, you’re now starting to get those hopeful vibes. It gives you that hope that actually maybe if I go back, I’ll make this relationship work. Maybe now this is the thing you’ve always desired. Maybe me leaving them gave them an opportunity to change their behaviors. You’ll start having all those positive, hopeful vibes, which is very, very okay because they’ve told you that they are taking steps, they’re repenting, they’re going to church now, they’re stopping all those behaviors. So, what do you do? Do you just listen and say, “Yes, I’m coming back tomorrow,” or think again?

Actually, the first thing you should not do is to just listen and go back. Yeah, don’t just say yes, this is it, and go back. This is because something about changed behavior is — you know your partner so much, you know your ex so much. You know that there was a point in life where they changed behavior. They might have changed for two days, okay, then three days they’re not okay, two days they’re okay, four days they’re okay. Like, there were moments in that relationship where you were hopeful. So, changed behavior is not about just the words, like telling me, telling you that I’ve gone to church or I’m seeing a therapist or this and that. Changed behavior is about changed behavior. It’s not about talking about it, and the true measure of changed behavior is time and pressure.

I can say I’ve changed my behavior today, and then just really feed you with this hope, and everything, and then after a week, once you are back into the relationship, the abuse starts. It’s not that people can’t change their behavior; it’s just that for someone to really change their behavior, they really have to go deeper on a deep level, not the surface level of like, “I’m now praying and singing.” No, that’s shallow. I can go to church and say, “I’m now seeing and even go to the choir and sing really high.” But deep inside, I’m still very, very hurtful, hateful and vengeful.

So, instead of you just seeing that or listening to the jump and going back to the relationship because your pastor said go back, especially for most believers, give yourself time. Just take it and say, “I’m very, very happy that you’ve changed your behaviors, but give me a couple of months. What’s the rush?” This is now a very, very good instance because this pressure, this pressure that you can make a choice to go or not go back, this pressure is enough to reveal if this person has changed their behaviors. And actually, now this time is for you to really go deeper because even if they have ‘changed their behaviors’, how about you? Have you changed as a person?

Change Your Own Behaviors

The instance of changed behavior or their apology should not really affect you. What you need to see is to ask yourself a question like, ever since I left that relationship, have I changed as a person? Do you understand your boundaries? Like, how people are supposed to treat you? Can you walk away from abusive circumstances? Are you self-reliant? Can you take care of myself fully? Can I express myself?

So, if you yourself, if you’ve not gotten to the point where you can express yourself or you know your boundaries, it means that it doesn’t matter if they changed or not; you are still taking yourself to a place where you may get hurt and you have not really learned or grown from the past.

So, the best thing to do is instead of seeing the change in them, look at the change in you. If there’s no change in you, don’t even think about it. But if you now really feel that actually, I’m really — I know my boundaries, I’m very, very okay, then maybe you can try it out. But if you’ve not really worked on yourself, don’t even try because you’ll end up getting hurt again.

And what’s the point even if you lose the relationship, even if you lose them and then they end up marrying someone else, you will still find someone else because you will not be operating from the limited aspect of like, they are the one for you. No, once you really work on yourself, you realize that actually, even if they leave, even if they now change their behaviors and end up getting someone else, you will still find your own person because you are now in this state of having a healthy relationship with yourself or this state of abundance of knowing that actually, this is a very, very big world with a population of 7 billion plus, and you can still find someone else even if they leave. So, prioritize looking at the change in you, not looking at their changes or their apologies, and that will help you grow.

Note from the Author

If you’re ready and you’d like my help with healing, finding peace in life and breaking free from these toxic patterns, then you can book a FREE BREAKTHROUGH CALL with me HERE. Happy healing 💙💙. Feel free to share and comment! Use this information with caution, it comes from my own thoughts & bias, experiences and research😊.