One of the most common advices when it comes to relationship is “make it work”. We’ve also been conditioned with social norms of permanence and that’s one of those inscribed rules in most wedding vows. “Till death do us apart.” There’s just a general look at the relationship between the two of you and not between you and yourself.

We may fight to preserve the relationship because the exit doors are not easily accessible and we’ve also been deeply conditioned to prioritize the life of relationship. While there’s no problem with committing to a relationship, it poses a great risk when you start neglecting yourself for the relationship’s sake. You may lose yourself trying to fix that relationship and at times it may bear fruits or you may find yourself stuck in an unhealthy situation.

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That’s why instead of “make it work”, the best advice when it comes to relationships should be, “use a relationship to work on yourself.” Regardless of if you are in a healthy or unhealthy relationship, a relationship is the best playground for your triggers and deep insecurities. Being in a relationship will bring up your triggers and vulnerabilities, as you’re more likely to let your guard down and open up to your partner. Triggers are emotional wounds from our past experiences that can be stimulated by certain events or interactions, often leading to emotional reactions or defensive behaviors like emotional overwhelm, rage or extreme silence.

In a relationship, your triggers can be anything from feeling abandoned or unheard, to feeling criticized or controlled, to feeling like your needs are not being met. We’re not mostly aware of these triggers as most of them are buried in the deep layers of our subconscious mind.

They mostly show up when there’s an occurrence of a current event which has very close resemblance with those past traumatic events. Most of these triggers can be rooted in our childhood experiences, past relationships, or other painful life events. It’s also important to understand that your triggers are not your partner’s fault. When there’s a trigger, it means there’s a wound in there which was there and it’s not being caused by current circumstances. Although, in case of toxic relationships, your partner may intentionally trigger you as a tool of control and manipulation.

A relationship will also bring to light some of your fears and insecurities like worrying if you’re good enough, extreme jealousy, comparing yourself with others, fear of being alone or just anything related to your weak sense of self. It will also be having challenges and conflicts which push you to your limits (physically, spiritually and emotionally). Unlike other situations where you can easily use escape (avoidance) as a solution to problems, in a committed relationship that’s not the first option.

All these things will just point out areas in your life you’ve got to deeply work on. In short, a relationship is a perfect catalyst for your own personal growth. As the relationship is exposing them, your job and responsibility should be working on them. Where possible, your partner can be your greatest support and encouragement as you work towards becoming the best version of yourself. It will be rewarding for you and your partner when you’re fully present in a relationship without worries, insecurities and fears getting in the way.

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The other benefit of working on your self-esteem and unhealed parts in a relationship is you will start developing a better view of the relationship. You may think you’re in a healthy relationship but maybe your measuring tool is flawed or your lens are ‘broken’. When you’re deeply insecure and unhealed, there’s a higher chance that you’ll settle for less or for a toxic relationship.

You have negative beliefs around you, relationships and love. So, when you work on yourself, you’re dropping those negative beliefs and this will help you see the relationship for what it is. Your partner may not be supportive of you working on yourself but it’s something you’ve got to do for your own inner peace. As you work on yourself, you’ll be building your inner strength which will even make it easy for you to leave the relationship or to assert your boundaries.

See, nothing bad will come with working on yourself, it is the most rewarding thing to do in your life. Actually, there’s no other formula to living a quality life than doing the work and using all our life circumstances as our angels in this journey. Every life circumstance has a lesson and it’s up to you to find the best way to channel those experiences to elevate your own consciousness.

Note from the Author

If you’re ready and you’d like my help with healing, finding peace in life and breaking free from these toxic patterns, then you can book a FREE BREAKTHROUGH CALL with me HERE. Happy healing 💙💙. Feel free to share and comment! Use this information with caution, it comes from my own thoughts & bias, experiences and research😊.