When it comes to emotional abuse or when you’re being mentally tortured by someone, only a few people in your circle will understand. Those few people have got to have some level of awareness or understanding or may have experienced it in the past and they really know the full impact of it. This is actually a long story, but it’s based on real life accounts of someone close to me and I’ve seen it unfold in front of my eyes and even made me understand the insidious nature more and how damaging emotional abuse is.

Characteristics of Emotional Abusers

You may be dealing with someone who constantly lies or gaslights you and then when you raise your concerns, they don’t really solve them amicably. They might just throw in an apology here and there and then a few hours later, they get angry or furious when you tell them to take responsibility or to help out with the kids.

They may also display some level of forgetfulness or leave household chores or family chores till the last minute then you be the one dealing with the mess. They will not really show remorse or care when you’re there struggling or juggling many balls, yet for them they’re simply just having fun.

The Subtle Signs of Emotional Abuse

They will also toy around with you especially when they have something you need, say finances or even just the basic things like having the car or rights to the lease. The other simple thing is they will avoid conflict or rather resolving those conflicts in all means, they might even go around telling everyone that they want their marriage to work, and the problem is you the one who is being emotionally abused.

The Challenge of Recognizing Emotional Abuse

Of course, because we’ve been wired mostly to stick to it or to stick to the marriage and the people, mostly mutual acquaintances, your family and their family or even mutual friends will listen to your emotionally abusive partner because by explaining to them their side, they don’t want you to leave the relationship.

They might explain to them that they know they’ve been wrong, that they’ve even apologized to you and they really want their marriage to work, they might even explain to them that they’ve been stressed lately because of the fear of losing the marriage and the fact that they have to do this, to take care of the kids, blah! blah! It’s a reason after another to other people.

Of course, those people will call the abused and even try to take steps to help them reconcile, they will even convince the one who’s undergoing those emotional tortures to give the other partner or rather the shifty and conniving partner time and that they need another chance.

So, how do you really start explaining to those people that your partner is just managing them or telling them what they want to hear and not really saying the truth of the relationship?

To them, you want to walk out because you don’t want to give the relationship another chance or because you’re rushing things. Ooh, let’s not forget the seemingly legitimate reason of “give them time.” They appeared genuine and even cried when they talked about wanting the marriage to work because they love the kids. However, they don’t care as much about your side of the story.

They see the irresponsibility, emotional blackmail, or gaslighting as nothing. Let’s also not forget that the recruits often operate from the perspective that “As long as it’s not infidelity or physical abuse, you can resolve your issues.” They don’t understand that you’ve been enduring this for five years or more and have only recently become aware of what’s been happening. To them, there must be a specific issue or a current problem that has led to the marriage falling apart. They saw no problem with your marriage — you looked happy together, smiling and cheerful — so they will insist that you resolve your issues.

The Impact of Emotional Abuse

That’s emotional abuse. You may even start doubting yourself or thinking you’re making the wrong decisions, especially when you lack a support network that listens to you and understands that people play mind games to appear like saints while being scary and controlling behind the scenes. Another aspect is reconciliation. When they see you truly want to leave, they will rarely be the ones to call their family to say it’s over. Instead, they will agree to split behind the scenes but tell their parents that it’s you, the abused, who wants out.

The Role of Family and Cultural Expectations

Then let’s not forget the family meeting, especially in an African customary setting. The abuser’s family may call a family meeting to discuss the issues, and in those meetings, the abused will be painted as childish or told that such emotional abuse is not a valid reason for separation. They may blast you as someone who is not mature.

You can’t explain emotional abuse to a 70- or 60-year-old man or woman from a different generation; they may have been repeat victims of abuse or may be abusive themselves and are used to it. But because they’re your family-in-law, you just have to listen.

Then let’s not forget your close family. Unless they’re aware of the situation, they might think you’re not persevering enough and throw those common, hurtful jabs like, “Marriage is all about perseverance. If it was not for my perseverance (often the mom in most of our family setting), you would not be here.”

The Cycle of Doubt and Isolation

So, this drives further doubt in you and even pushes your support away as your family insists you reconcile, not knowing that as long as you’re living with someone who is self-centred or shifty like a chameleon, they will say one thing today and another thing tomorrow without truly changing their behaviour on a deep level.

You get stuck, feeling like you have no place to run to as both your families reject you and label your issues as petty or childish. This leaves you feeling sad, depressed, and even regretting why you ended up having kids with that person. Instead of your concerns being heard, they are now being used to torment you further as the troublesome child or the one who doesn’t listen to the elders.

The person who wants the marriage to work is always seen as the one on the right, while the actual victim is seen as petty. This is how emotional abusers are sanitized; the system is rigged for them, but for you, you are left isolated like an island unless you find people who validate and listen to your side of the story without judgment and who can logically understand where you’re coming from.

Conclusion

Emotional abuse is so dangerous to the one who is experiencing it both in direct and indirect ways.

Directly it will ruin your self-esteem, make you feel helpless and hopeless, drain you emotionally, drain you financially, paint you as a bad, selfish person to your family and indirectly it will make your family lose trust in you and make you lose your job or your source of income and all this will compound to a lot of sleepless nights and emotional pain. Your emotions, your feelings are valid.

There are a lot of people who are willing to support you out there, you don’t need a million people, as long as you have your side you can conquer this. Watch out for the next article as I share on some of the practical coping strategies to navigate emotional abuse.

Note from the Author

If you’re ready and you’d like my help with healing, finding peace in life and breaking free from these toxic patterns, then you can book a FREE BREAKTHROUGH CALL with me HERE. Happy healing 💙💙. Feel free to share and comment! Use this information with caution, it comes from my own thoughts & bias, experiences and research😊.