Triangulation in Toxic Relationships

Healthy relationships are where you feel safe and respected, but unhealthy ones are full of uncertainty, confusion, and disrespect. Toxic people create love triangles in a relationship to draw you in and create the feeling that everybody wants to be with them or wants a taste of their awesomeness. Triangulation is a manipulative technique where toxic individuals introduce the presence of another person (an ex-lover, relative, family member, friend) into the relationship dynamic with the main aim of making you feel that they are in high demand.

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They create an illusion of popularity, leading you to ‘fight’ to win back that top prize. It’s unimaginable that we have to fight for someone who is our partner, someone who is closest to us.

The relationship turns into a competition where you have to do everything in your power to regain the attention of the supposed love of your life. This creates a sense of rivalry, with the main mission being something like reclaiming the throne, which is supposed to be yours because you’re in a relationship.

This competition inflates the perceived value of the throne (your partner), while inflating their ego, which constantly craves attention. You might find yourself thinking, “If ABCD wants them, it must mean they are really awesome, and I can’t afford to lose them.”

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This means you will try harder and harder to win them back, and you might even change your appearance as you strive to capture their attention. And that’s how you become entangled in a love triangle that becomes a war between you and the suitors who want to take away your partner. The game is played in such a way that the guilty party (your partner) leaves unscathed, while you find yourself engaging in a fight with other parties who have also been groomed to believe that you’re “crazy” or “abusive.”

Despite this disgusting smear campaign, a toxic partner will still secretly compliment you, giving you a glimmer of hope while amplifying your hatred towards the ‘competitors’ who want to ruin your marriage or partnership.

Triangulation works well because it shifts your focus away from the red flags in the relationship or from seeking a way out of that toxic relationship; your attention is glued to the perceived competitors who supposedly threaten your holy matrimony. The orchestrator of these situations will probably sit back with some popcorn and ‘innocently’ watch as you tear each other apart.

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Like every other manipulative technique, spotting triangulation isn’t easy, as it’s executed cunningly and subtly. Some ways a narcissistic person might triangulate you include manufacturing situations that make you confused, anxious, jealous, and question their faithfulness, such as:

Spending a night out with someone of the opposite gender when they had already told you that this person wants to sleep with them.

Talking about how much fun they had with their once ‘crazy’ ex the previous night.

‘Forgetting’ plans you had together and choosing to spend time with friends or their ‘horrible’ family they had always complained about.

Seeking sympathy from an ex they labeled ‘abusive’ or ‘crazy’ when something tragic happens and then explaining to you that they have a “special friendship” you will never understand. This just confuses you and fills you with the question, “Why them?”

On social media, this might include constantly liking/commenting on posts from an old ex, ‘accidentally’ uploading a suggestive photo with their ex, posting unclear statuses that seem to indirectly target you or cause worry.

All these actions are designed to provoke you, and when you confront them, they will label you as crazy and untrustworthy. They might spread these perceptions to those around you. You might receive responses like, “I thought you trusted me” when you try to address their behavior.

How do you handle triangulation?

The rule of thumb, as described by Jackson Mackenzie in his bestseller “Psychopath Free,” is called “The Detective Rule.” This rule explains that if you find yourself in a situation where you’re playing detective with someone, you should immediately remove them from your life. Playing detective might involve things like constantly cyberstalking them on social media to see what they’re saying and doing, or even hiring a private investigator to track their every move.

The fact that you’re being driven to the Sherlock Holmes level of investigation already indicates that you deeply suspect something is amiss. Instead of staying in a state of constant worry and doubt, take action and step away. Once you remove that toxic person from your life, your worries will subside, and you will begin to understand that you were a victim of an insidious manipulative dynamic.

Always choose what’s best for you, as you are the only one who knows what you’re feeling and experiencing. Don’t let someone else dictate how you should live. Don’t let someone else make you fight for them while compromising your dignity and self-worth.

Narcissistic triangulation is a painful experience that leaves you with deep emotional wounds and taints you with an identity of a jealous, needy, and insecure person. It’s important to realize that this isn’t your core identity; you were manipulated by someone who craves attention. Deep down, you are undoubtedly a loving, compassionate, kind, and beautiful soul.