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Relationship Problems: Should You Give Someone A Second Chance?
You know, I often get asked this question: “Should I give them another chance?” It’s a tough question, and there’s no one-size-fits-all answer. Today, I’d like to discuss it and offer my perspective on this dilemma that many of us face, especially when we’re in a relationship or a committed partnership. There’s never a simple yes or no answer, but by considering the implications for both the questioner and the person to whom this question is directed, we can at least get a clear picture of where your focus should be.
First off, not everyone deserves that second chance. I know, I know — your family or mutual friends might be pushing you to reconcile and forget because your partner has apologized and seems remorseful. They may also share those common relationship stories or sayings like, “Nobody is perfect,” or if they’re in a relationship, they might say, “If we hadn’t forgiven each other, we wouldn’t be here.”
All of this stems from their own biases about the situation. But here’s the thing: words are easy. Actions are what really count when it comes to giving your partner those chances (though often it’s not just a second chance, but rather the millionth chance- you know what I mean?).
This is how it may look: you outline what you need from the relationship, and your partner nods along, promising to change. You feel relieved that you’re on the same page. You address their undesirable behaviors, like constant flirting or coming home late, and they apologize, and you forgive them.
For a few weeks, everything seems great. They’re attentive, communicative, and everything you asked for. They even take you out. But then, slowly but surely, they slip back into old habits. Sound familiar?
True Change Vs Changing Because
Here’s the harsh truth: sometimes, people change their behaviors not because they genuinely want to grow on a deeper level, but because they’re afraid of losing you or the relationship.
They might fear being alone or facing their own shortcomings independently. It’s more like putting a band-aid on a broken arm — while it might appear fixed on the surface, the underlying issue remains unresolved.
When someone is unwilling to change for themselves, when the motivation is purely external, it’s not a genuine transformation. It’s an act, or in simpler terms, a mask. And let me tell you, maintaining that act is exhausting or simply unsustainable for life.
Eventually, the curtain will fall, the wind will blow it away, or someone will draw it aside. So, you may never really know if the one who you’re giving that chance will change for good, it may just be a show. They’re the only one who know this deep in their hearts.
The Sure Thing Is Your Change?
Now, let’s flip the script for a moment. If you’re the one considering giving another chance, you’ve got some work to do too. You need to look inward and work on your own issues — the things that have kept you asleep or the fears that have prevented you from asking those hard questions in the relationship and seeing things clearly, rather than through the lens of pain or the desire to maintain the relationship. Are you seeing the situation clearly?
Do you have healthy boundaries in place? It’s easy to get caught up in the drama and lose sight of what’s really important — your own wellbeing.
Here’s a hard pill to swallow: sometimes, we force these second chances because we’re deeply afraid. The relationship might be ugly, but it’s a familiar kind of ugly — it’s our comfort zone.
But let me tell you something: as long as you’re willing to go inward and do the hard work on yourself, you might lose the relationship, but you won’t lose yourself. That’s the relationship you have every time you sleep at night — the better the relationship with you, the better you feel, the better decisions you make, and just about everything in your life improves.
Sometimes, things just can’t be reconciled. And that’s okay. You might have grown apart, or outgrown the relationship altogether. Splitting up might be the healthiest solution for everyone involved. And it’s not a failure to end a relationship that’s no longer serving you. It’s an act of self-love and courage.
Change is a Personal Journey
Now, let’s talk about therapy for a moment. I’ve seen this scenario play out too many times: a couple starts counselling, but one partner shows up for the first session and then disappears when they realize that change is about them, not just about fixing the relationship.
They wanted a quick fix to win you back or so that you could give them that chance and not to do the hard work of their personal growth.
But the thing is, real change, meaningful change, is an individual journey. A great relationship can be a byproduct of that change, but it can’t be the sole motivation. If your partner is resistant to therapy because it’s about helping themselves and not about the relationship, or if they only want to patch things up superficially, they’re not ready for real transformation. And when they’re not ready, they’re not ready — you can’t force it.
That’s where you ask yourself this honest question: will you continue to suffer at their hands by giving them another chance just because they’re not ready or will you stop giving them a second chance because you’re now operating from different planes? You need to see the situation for what it is and prioritize your own safety and wellbeing.
Look, I know this isn’t easy as you may still have feelings for them, but you’ve got to remember this: you deserve a relationship that helps you grow, not one that holds you back.
Sometimes, the bravest thing you can do is walk away and give yourself the chance you’ve been trying to give someone else.
In short, don’t give them another chance simply because you care, or they apologized. It’s better to take a break, find yourself, and then reconsider it, rather than blindly saying yes- like you’ve been doing for a long time.
Note from the Author
If you’re ready and you’d like my help with healing, finding peace in life and breaking free from these toxic patterns, then you can book a FREE BREAKTHROUGH CALL with me HERE. Happy healing 💙💙. Feel free to share and comment! Use this information with caution, it comes from my own thoughts & bias, experiences and research😊.
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