Book Appointment Now
Rethinking Boundaries: Debunking the Myth That Setting Boundaries Equals Hurting Others (Myth 3
When you’ve lived a life where you’re used to taking care of others aside from yourself or wanting to make other people happy at your expense, then it will be inevitable that those same people will be unhappy with your actions once you start upholding healthy boundaries in life. When you’re used to saying yes to the demands of your loved ones, they will see you as someone who’s always there for them and someone who can be ‘relied’ on.
They will view you as someone willing to break their back to get them out of trouble, out of debt, or out of the mess they’re in. Your drunk friend may want you to pick them up late at night. Your mother may want you to listen to her daily complaints about her husband, or your father may want you to pay for their extravagant bills or unpaid bills.
In short, when you have poor boundaries, you get used to taking ownership of other people’s irresponsibilities. So, when you begin having healthy boundaries, you will really feel like you’re letting them down or hurting your loved ones, which makes a lot of sense, right? So, does it mean that you’re being hurtful by setting and upholding healthy boundaries?
It may really seem like you’re hurting them if you see it on a shallow level. They may even walk away from you and tell you that you’re being hurtful. Imagine refusing to help out your family or ignoring the phone call of that friend who always calls you to trauma-dump or to rant about something they’re going through, and you’d become their ‘unpaid’ therapist. In the extreme end, your friend or family may end up feeling like you don’t care about them anymore.
They will feel hurt by your actions because they’re not getting what they used to get when you had poor boundaries. It’s more of taking something away from someone who had become entitled to that thing.
You were Already Hurting Them
Actually, when we give and give or allow people to exploit us, we’re hurting them on a deeper level. We’re making them dependent on us and stripping them of the opportunity to see their own strength and power. We’re disempowering them from recognizing the consequences of their irresponsible behavior.
For example, when we listen or give advice to a friend who constantly complains about their life, how life is bad, or their relationship, we’re keeping them stuck with the problem much longer since they won’t take necessary action to change or seek help when their ‘unpaid’ therapist is around the block.
They will enjoy trauma dumping on you, which offers them ‘relief’ but at the same time keeps them stuck with the pain. So, we’re simply hurting them more or enabling their behavior instead of empowering them to seek help, take full responsibility, or see the truth of the matter. We’re more like giving them emotional crutches instead of showing that they still have the capability to walk. The same thing applies when we let others take advantage of us; we’re taking away their autonomy, which is like our birthright. How hurtful can that be?
We Cannot Be Responsible to How They Respond
The other thing we need to understand is we are not responsible for how others respond to what we do or how others will feel because of our actions. We are only responsible for ourselves, and we cannot control how others respond to our nos or yes’s. Some will hate it, and some will welcome it, and that’s how life is.
A very great way to determine if a relationship is healthy is if someone respects your boundaries, your views, opinions, and even supports you in setting them. Who wouldn’t want their friend or family member to have a flourishing well-being or to become autonomous? It’s probably someone who doesn’t love you. But if you love, you will understand that the other person’s boundarylessness is making them vulnerable to exploitation, and they’re doing a wonderful job just standing up for themselves.
Conclusion
It may look like you’re hurting your loved ones or those close to you when you set healthy boundaries, but on the contrary, you’re actually freeing them from hurt. You’re empowering them to see the limits and the traps of being dependent on others. You’re empowering them to see their talents and gifts and how they can use them to enrich themselves and their relationships. You’re allowing them to see the pain and resentment they have deep inside. You’re allowing them to see that they’re wounded and they need to do something about it to free themselves from the cycle of emotional dependence.
Some of your loved ones will walk away from you and will definitely feel like you’re hurting them, but by not having boundaries, you’re hurting yourself. When you lack healthy boundaries, you’re walking away from you. When you set healthy boundaries, you’re, in fact, helping them free from the pain, or you’re challenging their current identity, and hopefully, they may see the light as well. Set those boundaries and be the candle that lights up the other candles.
For those of you eager to explore the intricate world of boundaries, I have an exciting announcement: our Boundaries course has officially launched! In this course, we will dive deeper into the art of setting and maintaining healthy boundaries in real time. You can expect in-depth insights, practical strategies, and a comprehensive understanding of how to navigate the intricacies of boundaries. Click on the link, and let’s embark on this journey to empower you with the tools to foster healthier, more fulfilling relationships and a better quality of life.
Note from the Author
If you’re ready and you’d like my help with healing, finding peace in life and breaking free from these toxic patterns, then you can book a FREE BREAKTHROUGH CALL with me HERE. Happy healing 💙💙. Feel free to share and comment! Use this information with caution, it comes from my own thoughts & bias, experiences and research😊.
References
- Cloud, Henry; Townsend, John. Boundaries Updated and Expanded Edition: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life (p. 108- 110). Zondervan. Kindle Edition.
