Today, I’d like to answer a common question most of my friends keep asking me: — “How do make them stay?” Let’s say they’re dealing with unresolved issues in the relationship, or facing problems that can’t be resolved, and one partner wants out. Logically speaking, the best course of action is to let them go and part ways peacefully. If neither person is willing to work on the issues or if they’ve simply grown apart, the relationship may have reached a dead end.

I even remember this one time, a friend of mine was in tears, asking me how he could convince his partner to stay. He was ready to promise her the moon, the stars, and probably his left kidney if it meant she wouldn’t leave.

And you know what? That’s how desperate we might get when a relationship is about to end. And you may really think that’s love talking but nope, that pure, untouched fear.

When you try hard to persuade someone, even resorting to guerrilla tactics like talking to their family or friends to convince your partner to stay with you, it shows you’re afraid to confront your inner fears. When the relationship becomes your crutch, you may find yourself using various tactics, including manipulation, to keep them from leaving.

You cannot imagine your life without your relationship because you’ve been using it as your crutch instead of developing your own autonomy. So, desperation is just one aspect of those fears we often avoid, or the fears that a relationship conveniently masks.

Now, when these fears are uncovered, the thought of facing them can be so painful that you’re willing to do whatever it takes to keep the relationship, even if it means licking the sand (as someone once told me). This is simply because the anxiety and stress that would accompany the loss of the relationship may seem unbearable that you’re willing to do anything or to go some ‘extra miles’ to persuade them to stay.

Another thing is that the feeling can be so intense, or the drive to save the relationship can be so strong, that you may mistake it for being madly in love with them.

But this intensity is actually how ‘passionate’ you are about avoiding those fears — fears of being alone, fears of the unknown, or the fear of your partner being with someone else in the future. There’s also the fear of failure, feeling like you couldn’t meet your family’s standards and facing divorce.

So, that desperate struggle stems from your own deep fears and insecurities, and no amount of convincing will make those fears disappear until you question yourself and address the root causes.

Even if they end up staying, it will provide temporary relief same as it provide before, but you will have missed the opportunity to grow and transcend your fears. The universe highlights these fears when your partner ‘threatens’ to leave the relationship, and it’s your responsibility to work on those fears rather than trying to persuade them to stay.

You can as well think about it like this, a healthy relationship is a place where you don’t really need a presentation on why your partner should stick around. They stay because they want to, not because you’ve presented a compelling argument or case complete with pie charts and testimonials.

In conclusion, when you’re trying to hold onto that rose, you’re not simply loving the rose; in fact, you’re stifling its growth. You’re not even loving yourself because you’re hurting yourself by holding onto the thorns. You’re just acting out of manufactured fears that your mind has carefully crafted and kept in place to prevent you from transcending your current self-perception.

Love doesn’t need convincing and isn’t a hostage situation. When it’s genuine, people choose to be with each other not out of obligation, but because they genuinely want to.

So, next time you catch yourself preparing that TED Talk on “Why They Should Stay with You,” stop. Take a deep breath. Ask yourself, “Am I doing this out of love or fear?” If it’s fear, it’s time to go deep and understand why you’re so afraid of letting go.

Ultimately, in that letting go is where you really honour everyone’s needs and that’s the greatest act of love.