Today, I’d like to answer a common question: is healing your inner child the only way to heal after leaving a toxic relationship or when you want to overcome some of your compulsive or unhealthy behaviors? The answer is yes and no. Let’s first understand what it means to heal your inner child. Healing your inner child involves addressing the wounds (abandonment, neglect, trust, or guilt) that we internalized when we were young.

It’s one of the biggest traps people fall into on their healing journey: obsessively concluding that they need to work on their “inner child” wounds as the root cause of their current problems. Yes, those wounds can definitely play a role in framing your current beliefs, but assuming that’s automatically the case without proper investigation will keep you guessing and stuck, feeling helpless about what to do in the present.

Too many people become fixated on regressing to nurture their inner child without investigating whether that’s truly the root of their current struggles. This can lead to spending years “reparenting” themselves, all the while remaining blind to their present beliefs and perceptions of life.

Instead, they should be asking where they are stuck now and why they are stuck. If their conclusion is simply “because of my inner child,” it may be a result of their mind seeking self-preservation by finding seemingly ‘legit’ explanations. This approach uses the same identity that enables their current problems, thus keeping them stuck.

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Here’s the thing, the “root” cause of you need to uproot is wherever your distorted perspectives and self-limiting patterns first took seed — not necessarily what happened to you decades ago. Those negative core beliefs shaping your present circumstances could’ve sprouted from all kinds of experiences and influences over the years that solidified in your subconscious mind.

For example, you might struggle with a deep-seated belief that you are not good enough. While this could be linked to childhood experiences of neglect or criticism, it might also have stem from other sources like you had a demanding job with a critical boss who constantly undermined your confidence, or you experienced a series of failed relationships in adulthood that eroded your self-esteem. Another example could be a fear of abandonment. While this fear might originate from being left alone frequently as a child, it could also arise from adult experiences such as a traumatic breakup or the death of a loved one.

So, there are a lot of life experiences and circumstances which may lead us to developing or solidifying our current beliefs, but we should even dwell there. We’ve got to look more at why we are still holding onto those beliefs, the origin itself doesn’t matter as much.

It’s like this analogy I use with clients: When a dog is trying to sniff out the source of a foul smell, they don’t start by guessing it must be coming from the fridge and then furiously cleaning that one spot. The smart dog follows the odour trail wherever it naturally leads them to the real source, open to any possibility. But too many of us, especially when you’ve studied a lot, get fixated on the ‘fridge’ as the only source of the smell.

By assuming that the problems in your life always come from childhood neglect or trauma, you miss the real cause. It’s like blaming the fridge for a bad smell without checking other places. You end up using the wrong solution for the wrong problem because you’ve decided where the issue must be without proper investigation.

I used to focus on inner child type kind of therapy, but I didn’t get the results I hoped for. After learning from other excellent therapists, I now start with the client’s present circumstances instead of guessing the root cause. Focusing solely on inner child issues can make you miss the more relevant present-day causes, wasting time and energy. It’s more like the Mulla Nasruddin parable about the drunk looking for his lost key under a lamppost because that’s where the light is, even though he lost it on the other side of the street. By focusing only on inner child issues, you’re just looking where it’s convenient, not where the real solution might be.

So, don’t get arrogantly stuck believing that inner child issues are the ultimate root cause just because it’s a trendy buzzword. Stay open and curious, investigating the real root causes of your unhappiness and toxic patterns as they manifest in the present moment. Actually, the goal isn’t to dig into the past; it’s to diffuse active landmines planted by past experiences that are still sabotaging your present and future life.

Note from the Author

If you’re ready and you’d like my help with healing, finding peace in life and breaking free from these toxic patterns, then you can book a FREE BREAKTHROUGH CALL with me HERE. Happy healing 💙💙. Feel free to share and comment! Use this information with caution, it comes from my own thoughts & bias, experiences and research😊.