Dealing with the aftermath of a narcissistic relationship is not the easiest experience especially if you’re walking the journey alone without any professional help. It’s draining and one of the most difficult things to accept is feelings of missing the abuser like, “How can you miss someone who’s put you through various atrocities?”

The narc did things to you that are difficult to just forget. They put you on a pedestal early on in the relationship only for them to devalue and discard you later. You may miss the good yet brief and intense moments you had early on in the relationship, and you may also miss who they were or what they promised you.

Before we continue, let’s first understand the nature of missing someone. Missing is actually an intense longing or desire for something. It’s the longing for reconnection with a person you shared memories and moments with.

You developed an attachment to the narcissist despite their abusive ways and when there’s distance and separation, that attachment is longing what it was attached to. That’s what missing is all about, your insides are longing for that ‘home’ it was used to.

In short, your unhealed wounds are longing to go back to that familiar environment which keep it alive. Your ego or your distorted worldview longs for or strongly desires to go back to the environment that it’s become accustomed to. The urge and the pull is so strong that you may overlook, rationalize or filter out all the abusive ways.

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It’s a confusing feeling because logically you know they’re abusive and you’ve also understood they won’t change but the urge to reconnect is just so strong.

So how do you cope with missing the narcissist?

To cope with these feelings, the most important thing to do it to accept that missing them is okay and it doesn’t mean that you’re a bad person. You’re just acknowledging your feelings and it doesn’t also mean that you want to go back to them.

Something about the mind is, it will use the fact that you’re missing them to gaslight you into feeling bad about yourself. If you miss them, your mind may feed you with hurtful thoughts like, “You are really stupid for missing someone that abusive”, which makes you feel worse if you follow along with it.

So, instead of going along and letting your mind ‘manufacture’ other negative emotions, acknowledge to yourself that missing is okay but you’re healing.

Aside from coping, the only way to address these feelings of missing the narcissist is to understand that the one who’s missing the narcissist is not really you or your authentic self. That urge to reconnect with them is just a subconscious pull courtesy of your unhealed wounds. That’s where actual work has to be done, to break free from that pattern of craving “toxic love.” Once you work on those false beliefs about yourself, you’ll be operating life without being blinded by your past trauma and painful experiences.

The cloak of pain and emotional baggage you’re carrying deep inside you is blurring your vision and silencing your authentic self. Once you work on processing those past hurts, you will deeply understand that you deserve better and the narcissist was just an unlikely ‘angel’(metaphorically) that only came to your life to show you what’s buried deep inside. Actually, the only thing you’ve been missing and craving all along is your authentic self.

Unless, we reconnect to who we are, we’ll live a life of chasing illusions and fantasies thinking that they will fill that deep emptiness or longing, yet all along what we need is to clear the bushes and find that sparkling gem lurking deep inside.

Lastly, don’t fall for this trap of thinking that not missing the narcissist implies that you’ve fully healed. You or your mind might be suppressing those feelings and not missing them should not be a measure of healing and full transformation. It’s always important to address those underlying issues that made you vulnerable and susceptible in the first place. Without addressing those, you will find yourself unconsciously drawing toxic partners which are familiar environments for your negative beliefs.

Note from the Author

If you’re ready and you’d like my help with healing, finding peace in life and breaking free from these toxic patterns, then you can book a FREE BREAKTHROUGH CALL with me HERE. Happy healing 💙💙. Feel free to share and comment! Use this information with caution, it comes from my own thoughts & bias, experiences and research😊.

References

1. https://www.yourtango.com/experts/lisa-hawkins/when-you-start-missing-your-narcissistic-ex-remember-this