When your relationship is enmeshed with your family or friends, you will often seek advice from both your partner’s siblings and your own siblings or family when issues arise. While it’s okay to seek advice as it can offer insight into the relationship and potential solutions, it’s important to recognize that for advice to be constructive, those giving it must have a deep understanding of human behaviour or of themselves and the biasness of their advice. This understanding is more crucial than years of experience with marriage.

The danger of seeking advice from friends and family regarding an emotionally abusive relationship lies in their lack of awareness of the dynamics of such relationships. They might not understand these dynamics or might have experienced emotional abuse themselves. Consequently, they may advise you to persevere or give the relationship another chance, simply because they don’t know any other kind of advice. Some other common advice I’ve heard are: –

· “Have a child and they will settle down.”

· “Go talk to your marriage pastor”

· “Everything can be reconciled.”

· “Give them another chance; they’ve apologized.”

· “We went through the same thing, and you had a good wedding.”

· “Give it time.” (Even after years of issues and issues)

· “You’re overreacting; they didn’t mean it that way.”

· “But they’re such a nice person in public!”

· “Marriage is about compromise; you need to try harder.”

· “Think about how divorce would affect the children/family.”

· “Nobody’s perfect; you need to accept their flaws.”

This has happened to people close to me; despite being in unhealthy situations, their support network insisted on seeking counsel from elders who maintained long marriages.

The Limitations of Traditional Wisdom

One problem with seeking advice from elders is that sometimes, wisdom is equated with age, but there’s a difference between growing old and growing up. You can grow old without growing up psychologically, remaining heavily conditioned by culture and beliefs.

Seeking marriage advice from someone who is stuck in their conditioning is likely to result in advice to stay in the relationship, as their concept of self-preservation involves maintaining the status quo of ‘till death do us part.’ It’s like asking someone who’s become accustomed to life in prison how to escape from prison — it won’t really lead you to freedom. Instead, they’ll mostly share the dangers of life outside marriage and teach you how to survive within it, sharing examples of people who’ve endured and those who’ve escaped and had a tough life.

So, when you ask for advice about your relationship, you may receive advice that keeps you stuck or validates your current worldview. Your mind tends to seek the familiar and predictable path of staying in the relationship. If you seek advice from people who are stuck in their beliefs, they will likely advise you to stay, as that’s what they did, or their ego won’t allow them to consider a different perspective. It’s the same kind of self-preservation.

Seeking Wisdom from the Right Sources

One good quote to remember is, “When setting out on a journey, do not seek advice from someone who never left home.” — Rumi. Seek advice from those who have journeyed inwardly, not just those who have been in a marriage for a long time. People who have left and healed can provide more nuanced and multifaceted advice.

It’s advice from people who’ve seen and understood the nature of their conditioning, even slightly, as they will listen to you and not force their perspectives on you. There aren’t many out there, but it’s not about advice from many; advice from even a few who have a deep understanding is much better than advice from a million who haven’t journeyed or taken steps to remove those cobwebs of beliefs and heavy conditioning. Dangerous advice forces only one angle, which is to persevere or stay. Good advice considers both sides.

Importance of Self-Reflection

You must be careful when seeking advice because it is often biased and shaped by other people’s perceptions of reality. While external advice can be valuable, it’s crucial to trust your feelings and experiences or the reality of the relationship. Ask yourself:

· Am I feeling safe in this relationship?

· Is my partner taking responsibility for their actions?

· Do I understand and enforce my boundaries?

· Are my boundaries being respected?

These questions can guide you towards your own authentic voice regarding the relationship you’re in. It will provide you with a clearer picture of what you’re really going through.

Conclusion

While some level of advice is okay, it doesn’t mean that you should always listen to those people you hold in high regard, like your siblings or your parents, all the time, as their advice may keep you stuck even further and may even make you doubt your stance on the relationship. Look at things from your angle and even consider seeking professional help for your own sake so that you can make decisions that align with your wellbeing. Actually, that’s the only advice which will guarantee your safety or you making the best decision, work on you and you will have clarity.

Not everyone, even your family, has the eyes to see your situation clearly; they may be stuck in their own worldview and pull you back if you try to step out from the norm. By focusing on yourself, you will even start to see advice as potentially dangerous and instead embrace empathetic listening, offering more constructive and nuanced advice if you give it at all.

Note from the Author

If you’re ready and you’d like my help with healing, finding peace in life and breaking free from these toxic patterns, then you can book a FREE BREAKTHROUGH CALL with me HERE. Happy healing 💙💙. Feel free to share and comment! Use this information with caution, it comes from my own thoughts & bias, experiences and research😊.