One question that will linger in the back of your mind when you want to leave an abuser is whether or not to inform the narcissist that you are leaving. Your “moral” side will try to convince you that the right thing to do when leaving any relationship is to tell your partner you are leaving.

You may also think that by informing them, you will get the necessary closure on the relationship. Those close to you who may not understand the dynamics of manipulation and abuse may also share the same sentiments and advise you that informing them is the best and “right” thing to do.

While it may seem “morally right” to inform the abuser that you are leaving, it is not the best thing to do. In fact, the “moral code” was thrown out of the window the moment they abused and lied to you, not once, but countless times. Therefore, using morality as a way to judge your actions when dealing with an abuser is not advisable. The best thing to do is not to inform them that you are leaving.

In this article, I will share 3 reasons why you should not inform the narcissist that you’re leaving the relationship: –

1. Safety Concerns

An abuser may not take your decision to leave lightly, as they are often hot-headed, high-tempered, and struggle to regulate their emotions. Informing them that you’re leaving can trigger some of their deep-seated insecurities, which can lead to dangerous or violent behavior. They may become extremely furious or physically aggressive since their sense of control is being threatened.

In many cases, they may turn hostile towards you and act impulsively, without considering the consequences of their actions. This can put you at risk, especially if you are confronting them physically or in a private place. You likely know them well and have seen how they react explosively to small things happening in their lives. Now, imagine their reaction once you tell them you’re leaving. It will likely be extreme, and you wouldn’t want to be caught in the middle of it.

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Furthermore, if you inform the abuser that you’re leaving, their actions may also be emotionally hurtful. They may resort to calling you names, blaming you, or even gaslighting you into doubting your decision. This can lead you to feel bad about yourself and you may begin to question your decision to leave.

2. Manipulation

Another reason why you should not inform them is that they have the ability to convince you to stay or to make you question your decision. They are skilled at manipulation and persuasion, and they know your weaknesses and vulnerabilities. When you are low in self-esteem, traumatized, and struggling to understand your own boundaries, you become vulnerable to their manipulation. You risk being swayed by their words, even though you know that leaving is the best decision for your well-being.

On the soft side, they may love bomb you and fill your mind with false hope that they’re going to change their behavior. They may confess how much they love you and reflect the deep desires you may miss out on if you leave. It’s all about playing with your emotions and making you feel good, which may make you change your mind about leaving the abusive relationship.

If that doesn’t work, they may resort to playing with your fears and insecurities. They may threaten to ruin your life, expose your dark secrets to your friends and family, take away your money or anything that affects your ability to live independently. They may also gaslight you and make you believe that you will end up alone or question your worth as a human being. They may guilt-trip you by stating how much they’ve sacrificed for the relationship, how they won’t even last a day without you, and how much they need you in their lives.

That is why you should not inform them. They know how to get to you, how to exploit your empathy, and you may still lack the self-belief to stand up for yourself and see through their threats and empty promises. By cutting off contact completely and without warning, you will not be there to listen to those lies and threats.

3. First Step to Taking Your Power Back

When you follow through with the decision to leave without informing them, you are empowering yourself and affirming that you deserve better. By choosing to leave, you are taking full control of your life and acknowledging that abuse is not something you want to tolerate. It’s like telling yourself, “I do not negotiate with terrorists, or with someone who has terrorized my life. I deserve better.”

It’s like finally showing the person who has damaged you a middle finger and choosing to prioritize yourself. By keeping your plans private, you are asserting your independence and prioritizing your well-being over the relationship. These small foundational steps are what will guide you on your healing journey.

Conclusion

Leaving a narcissist is not easy but whatever you do always prioritize the safest route for you. In fact, it’s not really leaving a relationship, it’s more of escaping a prison.

In fact, I read an amazing analogy while researching this. You can check it below :-

You don’t need to inform the prison warden and the guards that you’re escaping the prison because they will try to keep you in.

It may not be an easy decision, and it entirely depends on your circumstances, but always choose the one that keeps you safe. Do not assume that they will react positively; instead, ask yourself, ‘Why do you want to inform them?’ If it’s a moral issue, then don’t even do it. Morality applies when it’s a sane environment, but when you’re dealing with a serial manipulator, those things do not apply.

Go ‘No Contact’ and prioritize your safety first. If you really can’t stop yourself from informing, do it in public or send them a message while you’re miles away (although still not advisable)

It may not be an easy decision, and it entirely depends on your circumstances, but always choose the one that keeps you safe. Do not assume that they will react positively; instead, ask yourself, ‘Why do you want to inform them?’ If it’s a moral issue, then don’t even do it. Morality applies when it’s a sane environment, but when you’re dealing with a serial manipulator, those things do not apply.

Note from the Author

If you’re ready and you’d like my help with healing, finding peace in life and breaking free from these toxic patterns, then you can book a FREE BREAKTHROUGH CALL with me HERE. Happy healing 💙💙. Feel free to share and comment! Use this information with caution, it comes from my own thoughts & bias, experiences and research😊.