There’s this great concept where you use your relationship to work on yourself. Let’s say you enter a relationship together, but now you use this relationship to work on you, to work on your traumas, to work on your issues. It is a conscious relationship where the relationship becomes that part of the puzzle in discovering the dark parts within yourself. Something about a relationship is it mostly reveals some of the deep dark stuff we never knew about ourselves.

https://toxicrelationships.medium.com/use-your-relationship-to-work-on-yourself-even-when-youre-in-a-healthy-relationship-87090cdb7837

Being in a relationship often acts as a vessel, pushing you to confront aspects of yourself that they may have otherwise been avoided or overlooked. It’s similar to being in a closed room where there’s no escape from the self-examination that inevitably arises. Unlike when one is single, where it’s easier to evade uncomfortable truths or bury unresolved issues, being in a relationship brings these buried emotions and subconscious patterns to the surface. Past traumas, insecurities, and unresolved conflicts can resurface, triggered by the dynamics and interactions within the relationship. This phenomenon offers a unique opportunity for self-discovery and growth, as you are compelled to confront and address these inner challenges in the context of your relationship.

That’s where this aspect of working on yourself while you’re in a relationship comes from or conscious relationship comes in. It’s a very beautiful kind of relationship when two people commit to working on themselves, but there are also dangers to it. The possibilities of a conscious relationship may tempt you to want or to jump into a relationship so that you can grow on a deeper level.

Working on Yourself ‘Too Much’ May End the Relationship

While it is indeed a beautiful aspect of relationships that fosters personal growth, it also presents intrinsic challenges. One of the primary risks is the reluctance to confront certain aspects of oneself that may threaten the stability of the relationship.

For instance, imagine realizing that you struggle with expressing your true feelings or that you tend to prioritize pleasing others over your own needs. When you are a people pleaser, some of the foundational aspects of your current relationship or the things that might have been keeping the relationship at bay were your efforts to make your partner happy and comfortable. This means that you built the foundation of the relationship upon your false identity, and if you shake that foundation, the relationship may crumble.

You then have the fear of confronting or letting go of your people-pleasing identity because it will threaten the relationship you’ve built or invested in for a couple of years.

So, your personal growth may disrupt the status quo and potentially strain the relationship you had ‘committed’ to.

Catch 22

That’s the catch 22, you work on yourself to break free from your false identities and cultivating authenticity but you may be priming yourself for a divorce. As you strive to become more genuine and assertive, you may find yourself challenging established patterns or behaviors within the relationship that were previously accepted or even reinforced. This can lead to friction, as your partner may struggle to adapt to the changes or feel threatened by the newfound assertiveness.

In essence, you’re caught between the desire to grow as an individual and the risk of destabilizing the relationship you’ve committed to.

Inner Work is a Personal Journey

That’s why inner work is more of a person journey even if you’re a couple. Your inner work may threaten the collective ego or the collective identity of you being a couple or the ‘us’ but it will grow the you. This is one of those reasons, you may be going for couple’s therapy to make the relationship work instead of even going for therapy for yourself.

https://toxicrelationships.medium.com/use-your-relationship-to-work-on-yourself-even-when-youre-in-a-healthy-relationship-87090cdb7837

Sometimes, you ought to be going for therapy just for you and not for the relationship because you may be the only one who desires the change on a deeper level and your partner may not be ready to confront their inner demons yet and they just tagalong because they want to ‘impress you’ or they want to show you that they’re trying therapy just for the relationship. It should be personal therapy before couple’s therapy because we can never really know if the growth is hitting the deep aspects when our motivation is simply keeping the relationship and not clearing the negativities or the murky waters that prevent us from being true to ourselves.

Conclusion

While working on yourself within the relationship is commendable, there are instances where it might not be the optimal course of action. Sometimes, the solution may lie outside the confines of the relationship. By focusing solely on self-improvement within the relationship, you may unknowingly overlook certain aspects of yourself that require attention. While it’s beneficial to uncover hidden truths within the relationship, there may be a fear of confronting everything, including the relationship itself.

Therefore, it’s essential to nurture a conscious relationship and acknowledge that, at times, the solution may involve walking away rather than staying in the relationship. It’s similar to being in a room committed to finding solutions within it, but what if the solution lies outside the room? In such cases, it may be challenging, but necessary, to explore alternatives beyond the relationship.

So, it’s beneficial to be in that relationship and to work on yourself within it. However, it’s important to remind yourself that if you prioritize self-improvement and maintain a healthy relationship with yourself, it’s perfectly acceptable if the relationship doesn’t work. Therefore, be open to working on yourself within the relationship, but also be prepared to step out of it if necessary.

Although it’s not easy, especially considering the time and effort invested, sometimes it’s the price you must pay for personal growth. While a conscious relationship is indeed valuable, it’s also crucial to be willing to let go of the relationship in order to find yourself. A conscious relationship should be conscious of itself not working and also be okay with it.

Note from the Author

If you’re ready and you’d like my help with healing, finding peace in life and breaking free from these toxic patterns, then you can book a FREE BREAKTHROUGH CALL with me HERE. Happy healing 💙💙. Feel free to share and comment! Use this information with caution, it comes from my own thoughts & bias, experiences and research😊.