Blame-shifting is a form of emotionally abusive behavior in which someone avoids taking responsibility for their own problems by constantly blaming others or anything they can think of. A blame shifter will do something wrong or inappropriate and seek alibis for their actions, evading ownership of their behavior.

It’s an insidious manipulative technique commonly used by narcissists, who consistently find excuses or justifications for their toxic actions. It involves pointing the finger elsewhere rather than at themselves. The concerning aspect of blame shifting is that it can lead the blamed party to doubt themselves or accept fault for something beyond their control.

Blame shifting distorts your sense of reality, as you start questioning if you’re truly at fault due to the blame shifter’s confident assertions. Toxic individuals thrive on shifting blame to others, portraying themselves as faultless while attributing problems to their partners or external factors. Instead of changing their behavior, they deflect the issues in their lives onto their partners to boost their own self-esteem.

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Victims of blame shifting often doubt themselves, leading to further abuse in the relationship. They may continually apologize and compromise their boundaries in attempts to please their perpetually dissatisfied partners.

How to Spot Blame Shifting:

1. Playing the Victim

Blame shifters divert attention by bringing up unrelated issues, portraying themselves as victims hurt by your inquiries. For instance, if you ask about suspicious phone calls, they might accuse you of not trusting them and hurting them emotionally. This manipulation tactic turns you into the villain and them into the victim.

2. Constant Excuses & Justification

Blame shifters fabricate excuses for their actions, often blaming you for their behavior. They may reuse the same justification for repeated unhealthy actions instead of admitting responsibility.

For example, “If you hadn’t said that, I wouldn’t have reacted that way.”

3. Pity Ploys

Manipulators evade accountability by discussing past traumas, seeking sympathy for their actions. They might harm you and then play the sympathy card by recounting their past mistreatment, causing you to feel guilty for triggering their unresolved wounds.

4. Arguing the Argument

Blame shifters avoid addressing concerns by focusing on how you raised them. They might criticize your tone, choice of words, or communication style, diverting the conversation from the actual issue to your delivery.

5. Dismissing/Minimizing your Feelings

Blame shifters downplay your concerns, suggesting that your reactions are exaggerated. They shift blame to how you responded rather than addressing the underlying issue.

6. The False Apology

Occasionally, blame shifters may offer apologies with attached justifications, nullifying the sincerity. Adding a “but” at the end of their apology redirects blame elsewhere or rationalizes their actions, undermining their accountability.

7. The Don’t Care Attitude

When cornered, manipulators may adopt an apathetic attitude, neither denying nor accepting blame. They might shrug off their actions, saying, “Whatever, do as you wish.”

Conclusion

Blame shifting is a tool toxic individuals use to manipulate and exploit others to meet their needs. The best way to handle constant blaming is to maintain your perception of reality and not be swayed by another person’s narrative. If you’ve witnessed something, it’s real, regardless of attempts to convince you otherwise.

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While avoiding such individuals is ideal, it’s not always possible. Remember, you’re not responsible for others’ lives; their blame doesn’t affect you if it’s beyond your control. Also, blame shifting loses its effectiveness when there’s no one to accept the blame. Stay calm and refrain from reacting to false accusations to disarm narcissistic individuals seeking your reaction.

Note from the Author:

If you’re seeking healing, peace, and liberation from abusive cycles in two months or less, you can schedule a call with me here. Wishing you healing and peace. Feel free to share and comment! Use this information with caution, it comes from my own thoughts & bias, experiences and research😊.

References:

1. https://www.pd.co.ke/lifestyle/blame-shifting-and-how-it-ruins-relationships-57554/
2. https://www.psychopathfree.com/articles/5-types-of-narcissistic-blame-shifting.388/
3. https://www.learning-mind.com/blame-shifting-signs-deal/
4. https://unmaskingthenarc.com/narcissist-blame-shifting-tactics/
5. https://www.bonobology.com/blame-shifting-in-relationship/