Today I’ll be answering the question: Are they really emotionally abusive, or are they just avoidant? This is a very interesting question with a lot of opinions, controversies, and different perspectives. But let me first explain what it means to be avoidant.

When you are in a relationship, we often do attachment style quizzes to determine the attachment style of our partner. You may find that your partner has a dismissive-avoidant attachment style, while you may have an anxious attachment style or something like that. Labeling your partner as avoidant typically suggests they exhibit behaviors such as evading crucial conversations, shying away from conflicts, and struggling to express their feelings, potentially leading to a pattern of avoiding responsibilities.

In a relationship with someone avoidant, expressing yourself becomes challenging. Instead of addressing conflicts, they may avoid taking responsibility or facing the truth. As a result, you might stop raising issues to avoid conflict, thinking it’s better for the relationship. However, unknowingly, you stifle your own voice and suppress your concerns, allowing your partner’s avoidant behavior to persist.

Now, the thin line arises — what if their behavior goes beyond being avoidant and becomes abusive? How do you differentiate between avoidance and manipulation?

The truth is, it’s challenging to know definitively. Both terms are labels, and instead of focusing on labels, let’s shift our attention to the behavior. If you raise concerns in the relationship and your partner consistently avoids taking responsibility or exploits your vulnerabilities, it’s problematic. Whether you label it as avoidance or abuse, the key is recognizing that you are being hurt.

As you make excuses for your partner’s behavior, believing they are avoidant, you may unintentionally allow the unhealthy dynamics to persist. There’s a thin line between a partner being avoidant and emotionally manipulative, but the crucial factor is your well-being.

Whether your partner is labeled as avoidant or abusive, if you find yourself in a relationship where you cannot express your concerns or deal with issues in a healthy manner, it’s a sign of an unhealthy relationship. The focus should not be on labels but on whether you can express yourself and feel at peace and happy in the relationship.

Relationships require growth and mutual understanding. If the relationship hinders your ability to express your concerns or feel safe, it’s essential to evaluate its health. You don’t need to label your partner as a narcissist or avoidant; instead, focus on your feelings and whether the relationship contributes positively to your life.

Ultimately, if you’re not at peace or happy in the relationship, it’s time to consider whether it’s the best place for you. Ultimatums, when approached with care, can sometimes bring clarity and initiate change. Don’t get caught up in labels; look at the behavior and actuality of the relationship. If it’s not working, you have the responsibility to either work on it together or consider stepping away.

It’s your responsibility to establish and uphold boundaries for your own safety. While following expert advice on loving individuals with different attachment styles may seem constructive, fixating solely on labels rather than understanding the unique human being can limit the depth of a relationship. Addressing the root causes behind attachment types, rather than superficially patching things up, allows for a more profound and meaningful connection in relationships.

Overcoming avoidance necessitates a joint commitment from both partners to address their underlying issues. Alternatively, it involves each individual focusing on outgrowing their attachment style. A foundational step is letting go of attachment labels and honestly acknowledging each other’s fears without predefined categories. If your partner is avoidant and willing to seek help to deal with root problems, there’s potential for growth. Remember, attachment styles are not fixed; they can be understood and modified through working on unlearning and healing from you past subconscious beliefs.

In conclusion, focus on the behavior and the reality of your relationship. If you feel safe, happy, and able to express yourself, great. If not, it’s worth considering whether the relationship aligns with your well-being. When you shift your focus to behavior, you might realize that you’re employing attachment styles as a way to evade confronting your own relationship fears or acknowledging your deep unhappiness. Labels provide temporary relief by enabling the avoidance of uncomfortable conversations in the relationship, especially if they trigger your partner. In facing the discomfort, you gain inner and deep levels of comfort, the choice is yours.

Note from the Author

If you’re ready and you’d like my help with healing, finding peace in life and breaking free from these toxic patterns, then you can book a FREE BREAKTHROUGH CALL with me HERE. Happy healing 💙💙. Feel free to share and comment! Use this information with caution, it comes from my own thoughts & bias, experiences and research😊.