The most common feeling any victim of abuse will have is anger from what they’ve been put through by their once so-called soulmate. Contrary to popular belief that anger is a “bad” thing and we should not even look at it, anger is actually a normal thing. You may have constantly listened to or read articles informing you that you should not be angry.

We’ve also been mostly told to “let go” of our anger or stuff it down, which of course ends up eating us from the inside. The more we repress anger, the more it will find a way to try to get out in an unhealthy way. The truth of the matter is anger is not a “bad” emotion when channeled properly.

You do experience anger after abuse because you’ve been betrayed and let down by someone you trusted and loved. The boiling point is when you realize that all the good things they said to you during the love bombing phase of the relationship were just empty words and promises they used to establish that firm grip in the relationship.

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You sacrificed things you enjoyed in life, isolated yourself from friends and family, stopped working on that side hustle, turned down that promotion, got into debt, and many other countless things you did so that you could spend more time with them and make them happy.

Then, after all those things you did for them, they discarded you in the worst possible way and immediately jumped into another relationship as if there was nothing between the two of you.

This is also the point where you might think that now they have someone else, they’re going to give you peace and leave you alone. Nope, it doesn’t work that way. That evening, they might even send you a message about how much they miss you. This is another reason to get angrier at how someone you’ve seen with someone else still wants you back.

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It’s okay to be angry, and in this article, I am going to share with you how you can use that anger to work for you in your healing journey and not against you. The anger we’re talking about here is anger towards your abusive partner and not anger towards yourself.

How to Use Anger Towards Your Narcissistic Ex or Narcissistic Partner Productively?

1. Anger as Fuel to Leave a Narcissistic Relationship

Leaving a narcissistic relationship is not an easy thing to do as you’ve been emotionally abused in all kinds of ways, and you may even feel that you’re doomed to stay in that relationship forever. You’ve also been traumatized, and you may even lack the motivation to leave or even live.

That’s why you can reconnect with the anger and resentment towards that partner who has mistreated you. This anger will constantly push your emotional threshold to the point where you will throw your hands up and say enough is enough. This anger will also prevent you from falling for the infrequent good days your partner might have with you, which mostly feed you this false hope that they might change, hence giving you the reason to stay in the relationship longer.

To really reach the boiling point, you can write down the abusive incidents just to psych yourself up on how you’re really angry and furious at them. It’s more like you’re so angry at them that you choose to abandon them as a form of revenge, and this opens your door out of the relationship.

2. Anger as Motivation to Work on Yourself

One effect of narcissistic abuse is that you will be disinterested in life and even lack the motivation to take care of yourself even after you’ve left the relationship. You will also feel worthless to the point that you choose to isolate and neglect your own needs as you have this deep sense that nothing is worth pursuing.

But when you are really mad, you will really want to push yourself and feel that you’ve got to work on yourself as a way of ‘proving a point somehow’. You can reconnect with the anger to push on with the obstacles you will encounter in your healing journey.

For example, the narc might have probably called you ugly, fat, broke, or all other kinds of names. If you reconnect with the anger you have towards what they called you, you will find the energy to really want to either hit the gym, seek professional help, as it’s more like ‘showing them that you’re not what they said.’

Anger can be a great trigger for positive change in your life, especially when your own deep motivation is not there. You might also try to think of a moment in life where you got angry at something/someone, and that motivated you to do something you didn’t even feel like doing.

It’s more like proving a point that you can do it when you don’t have the motivation to do it for yourself. One thing about anger is that it can also lead to this optimism about your ability to change the situation, empowering you to act and move from an undesirable state to a desirable one.

3. Anger Keeps You from Going Back to The Toxic Relationship

One thing for sure is your narcissistic ex will try to win you back so that they can get their needs met, especially when they feel that you’re moving on and thriving. They will use insidious hoovering techniques that may lower your guard and entice you back into their life.

When you feel that you still don’t have the inner strength to keep them away, that’s when you can unleash the anger you have towards them as a form of protection. The anger can prevent you from breaking no contact or falling for what they’re enticing you with at face value. You can use your anger to further block them, not listen to their pleas/apologies, or keep them away from you.

Your anger towards them is an indicator that you’re still aware of the injustice they did and that you cannot open the door to a person who mistreated you.

Also, when you hold onto this anger at the beginning of the healing journey, it prevents you from falling into the trap of forgiveness and giving them another chance. Anger is like a door that prevents your compassionate center from allowing someone who hurt you back into your life, especially when you’ve not yet understood your boundaries and what it takes to uphold those boundaries.

Conclusion

Anger is an essential part of the healing journey, and it can be great fuel that you can use to break away from a toxic relationship and reclaim that joyful life you deserve. The best thing to do is not to repress this emotion but to channel it in a way that works for you.

We might still hold deep beliefs that we are bad people if we’re angry, and this might push us to try to hide this emotion deep within ourselves. Even if we hide it, it’s still there. That’s why, rather than letting it eat us from the inside, we’ve got to find ways it can serve us in the present as we embark on the journey of rediscovering our authentic selves and understanding that you deserve better in life.

One thing to also note is that you should not allow this anger towards your ex to drive you to the path of seeking revenge or wanting to level things up with your narcissistic ex.

That’s their playing field; you will never win, and it might even lead you down a path where you might find it really hard to extricate yourself. The best revenge you can get is you thriving and having the last laugh, where you build that awesome life for yourself.

Lastly, it is also good to know that anger is just fuel, especially when you’re beginning your healing journey, but it will reach a point where you will even let go of the anger and unburden yourself from what happened in the past.

Note from the Author

If you’re ready and you’d like my help with healing, finding peace in life and breaking free from these toxic patterns (in less than 2 months) , then you can book a FREE BREAKTHROUGH CALL with me HERE. Happy healing 💙💙. Feel free to share and comment! Use this information with caution, it comes from my own thoughts & bias, experiences and research😊.

References

1. Arabi, Shahida. Becoming the Narcissist’s Nightmare: How to Devalue and Discard the Narcissist While Supplying Yourself (p. 111). SCW Archer Publishing. Kindle Edition.

2. https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/value-of-anger-16-reasons-its-good-to-get-angry-0313175

3. https://howdoidate.com/relationships/better-not-forgive/

4. MacKenzie, Jackson. Psychopath Free (Expanded Edition): Recovering from Emotionally Abusive Relationships with Narcissists, Sociopaths, and Other Toxic People. Berkley Books, New York.