Today, I’d like to answer the question of what really happens to the narcissist when you go “no contact”. Will it be a smooth ride for you? Will they come back? Will they call you with another number? These are just a few puzzling questions you might have when you’ve finally decided to cut ties with your narcissistic ex or when you’re practicing ‘No Contact’. While there is no one-size-fits-all for the behaviour the narcissist displays, there are some common themes which may occur when you go no contact with them.

By going no contact, it’s like you’re finally telling them you’re not going to be controlled or that you’re not going to buy into their games of deceit. So, what normally happens to them when you cut off communication with them?

The Stalker Mode

The first thing they might do is stalk you obsessively on social media or even in person. They might sometimes “coincidentally” show up at your workplace. It’s an increase in their surveillance of your real life now that you’ve cut them off.

In line with this stalking behaviour, they might also try various channels to reach out to you, such as calling from a different number or using mutual acquaintances as indirect channels of communication. They can use your family, friends, or even your kids to pass messages across. All of this is part of their desperate measures to get your attention, maintain a connection, or exert control over your life despite your decision to go no contact.

The Pity Party

If stalking doesn’t work, they might throw themselves a pity party and invite everyone they know or that knows about you. Suddenly, you left them when they were at their worst, and you’re the bad person while they’re the victim of the abusive relationship. You become the one who’s been using them, and because of their superficial charm, they easily win over those people. Sometimes they even have ‘evidence’ of your treacherous behaviour.

They build themselves up as the victim, tarnishing your name as the bad one or the abuser who broke their heart and abandoned them ‘even after they did a lot for you,’ to save their reputation. When you’re unaware, this may really throw you off, and you may even start questioning the ‘cruelty’ of your no contact. Your friends and family may urge you to just call them, but that’s all a game.

Grand Gesture

If all else fails, they might go for the grand romantic gesture or try to reignite the love-bombing phase of the relationship. You know how you may have been idealized early on in the relationship as this majesty who deserved to be bombarded with affection? That’s where they may turn back to.

They may surprise you on your birthday or anniversary with a card or some wine, and because you’re still hooked on them and not used to affection, those shallow efforts may ring that bell in your mind — the bell of, “At least they remembered.”

This may take you back to those passionate moments, and you may even break your no contact to say thank you, returning the favour by opening those doors of communication. It’s enticing, but you need to remind yourself that you’ve been there before, and the next thing that happened was manipulation after manipulation.

The “New Me” Act

Sometimes they may also pretend that they’ve changed their behaviour, not for themselves, but to show you that they have changed. We’re not in the Stone Age and we’re not using smoke signals, so even if your no contact is foolproof, in one way or another, you will hear some news about your ex.

They may pull this “New Me” act strategically in front of someone who knows you, so that they can get the message across. The most common “new me” acts include going to church, volunteering at animal shelters, doing charitable acts like helping the needy, going to therapy, joining a spiritual circle, or even reading books. Your friends may start telling you that your narcissistic ex is now doing good or that your breakup might have taught them a lesson.

While that may occur and there’s no problem with that, we need to be wary of the fact that acts of kindness are not the same as being kind. Anyone can help an old lady cross the street, but that doesn’t mean their hearts are open to kindness. It can be just for show while they mistreat others behind the scenes.

So, in the case of your narcissistic ex, you may find yourself regretting leaving or even wanting to hook up with them. That’s where you need to focus on yourself. Even if they change (which is a good thing in the grand scheme of things), that’s not your change; it’s their change, and you’ve got to focus more on your own growth.

Replacement Game

The last thing they may do once you go no contact is jump into another relationship as if you were never there. They may even rush things and get married to their new partner before you’ve finalized your divorce arrangements. They will not do this secretly; in fact, they may parade their new partner for you or someone close to you to see.

They will want to provoke jealousy and make you think, “That could be us if only I had stuck with the relationship.” You may even believe that their new partner is getting their good side and that you made the wrong decision by leaving too soon or not giving them another chance (sometimes, “too soon” can mean even 20 years). That’s just how sneaky your mind can be, making you feel bad for moving out of the comfort of familiar pain.

Conclusion

Those are just some of the behaviours the narcissist may display when you go no contact with them. But here’s the thing: not all of them will stalk you incessantly as it depends on the situation. YOU hold the power to keep them out of your life for good, and the behaviour you display afterward is what will set you free or keep you stuck.

If you focus too much on what they will do or what they’re doing, it may provide some sort of relief or understanding, but it will not take the pain away. It will just distract you from yourself and even drive you to the point where you’re obsessed with the ‘evilness’ of the narcissist instead of being passionate about how best you can use your no contact to enlighten yourself and be free from that past pain.

Focus on you and you will see that light. It’s uncomfortable, but unfortunately, there’s no other way, and fortunately, you have the power to break free. Happy healing.

Note from the Author

If you’re ready and you’d like my help with healing, finding peace in life and breaking free from these toxic patterns, then you can book a FREE BREAKTHROUGH CALL with me HERE. Happy healing 💙💙. Feel free to share and comment! Use this information with caution, it comes from my own thoughts & bias, experiences and research😊.

References

1. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=24tscweSfYk

2. https://www.bolde.com/15-concerning-things-narcissists-do-when-you-go-no-contact/