We are all aware of the saying, “A problem shared is a problem halved,” but have you ever stopped to ask yourself if it’s really true? 

When we share our problems with others, we often feel better, as if a weight has been lifted off our chests. 

You may even walk away from the conversation feeling like your problem isn’t that bad after all.

While it’s absolutely necessary to share our problems, sometimes we fall into various traps, and our problem-sharing ends up doubling the problem or leading to self-loathing or feeling like our problems are invalid. There are two sides to sharing a problem, which doesn’t necessarily halve the issue. Let’s explore the listener’s role and the effects it has on you.

The Listener: Compassionate & Empowering

When you share a problem, there is always someone listening at the other end, whether it’s a family member, friend, colleague, partner, or even a mental health professional. When that listener is a compassionate, non-judgmental person, you genuinely feel heard and understood to some extent. You may even gain new perspectives on your problem and find ways to solve it.

For example, if you’re in an abusive relationship and share your experience with a non-judgmental person, they may help you come up with an exit strategy or offer the emotional support you’ve never had in that relationship. With that, you will likely feel better and see the light at the end of the dark tunnel you’ve been stuck in for a very long time. You may go from feeling discouraged to empowered, regaining the faith you thought was lost.

The Listener: Well-Intentioned but Misguided

But what happens if the listener doesn’t really understand the basics of listening? They may not be judgmental, but they love giving advice. This is where, instead of your problem being halved, it may become more complicated or even worse. 

When we, as listeners, think our advice is helping, we may not realize that trying to fix the problem isn’t truly helping the person sharing. In fact, it strips them of their responsibility or capacity to solve their own problems.

Some advice the listener gives may keep you stuck in a situation that you understand better than they do. For example, if you ask your mom about your emotionally abusive relationship, she might listen without judgment and compassionately, but because she doesn’t fully grasp what you’re going through — like explaining to your parents what gaslighting or verbal abuse is — her advice might bear the wrong kind of fruit.

Due to their lack of awareness, they may empathize with you but offer advice like “seek counselling,” “persevere because marriage is like that,” or “marriage is full of challenges, and it will get better as you keep going.”

While that advice isn’t inherently bad, if you take it without question, you may end up staying on a sinking ship, only to find yourself drowning later on.

So, while the listener may have good intentions and speak from an honest place based on their personal experiences, it may not be a good idea to always follow the advice.

The road to hell, as they say, is often paved with good intentions.

The Listener: Judgmental & Too Negative

Then there’s the other kind of listener — the one who criticizes you, judges you, or uses the problems you share to manipulate you.

They might respond negatively to your problem, scold you for not being able to “man up,” and leave you in a worse place than before you shared. They might downplay your problem and even discourage you from seeking solutions.

They might tell you that your traumas are a lot to handle or that you treat every instance in your life as trauma. You might initially think you’re just dealing with anxiety, but after talking to them, you feel like you’re severely mentally ill, and you end up shying away from seeking holistic solutions to your problems.

You- The one with The Problem

Now, let’s talk about you and how sharing a problem without the right intentions might actually be keeping you stuck.

When you share a problem, at first, you might feel better, but is the main goal really just sharing the problem? Or is it resolving the problem or understanding why you’ve been stuck with this issue for so long?

Sometimes, we need to pause and ask ourselves deep questions about our problems, rather than just sharing them. You might find yourself sharing your problem not because you genuinely want to resolve it, but as a way to trauma dump or overshare without taking proactive steps to get to the bottom of it.

This is where the saying “a problem shared is a problem halved” gets messy — you end up sharing the same problem for years, until you start to identify with the problem itself.

When you’ve developed an identity with a problem, or when your problems start giving your life meaning or a spark, you won’t put in the effort to overcome the issue.

Instead, you’ll put more effort into sharing or seeking validation from the problem. This is where your mind gets stuck, constantly looking for solutions without really addressing the root cause of why the problem developed in the first place. Once you develop an identity with the problem, you may become convinced that nothing will change and that you just have to cope with it.

Moving Beyond Problem-Solving

So, we need to step away from a purely problem-solving approach, as it can lead you to seek temporary fixes or immediate relief without really examining the underlying structures that fuel the problem.

For instance, what do you really believe about yourself that’s keeping you stuck in that toxic relationship? What thoughts creep into your head when you lay down at night? Why do you keep finding yourself in these situations?

The harder the question, the closer you get to the root of the problem, and that’s where you can see the underlying structures in your mind that are keeping the problem in place. One book I’d like to recommend, and one I love, is The Path of Least Resistance by Robert Fritz, which explains more about dealing with underlying structures rather than just repeatedly solving the same problem over and over.

This is a better way to approach your problem — not just by sharing or halving it, but by understanding why the problem exists in the first place. This isn’t to deny the power of sharing; rather, it’s to encourage you to go beyond just sharing for the sake of it and to share with a deep passion for resolving the problem.

That deep passion will go a long way in helping you get out of it. Of course, it all starts with sharing, but let that not be the end goal. Let your intention be to transform on a deeper level, so that the problems don’t arise again in the future — or if they do, you won’t wallow in them as much, but instead, you’ll approach them from a different perspective.

Note from the Author

If you’re ready and you’d like my help with healing, finding peace in life and breaking free from these toxic patterns, then you can book a FREE BREAKTHROUGH CALL with me HERE. Happy healing 💙💙. Feel free to share and comment! Use this information with caution, it comes from my own thoughts & bias, experiences and research😊.

References

1. https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/problem-shared-halved-dr-oliver-hayakawa-1f/

2. Fritz, R. (1989). The path of least resistance: Learning to become the creative force in your own life. Ballantine Books.