When you’re in an emotionally abusive relationship or even a relationship with someone who is avoidant, they will pull many cards just to maintain or feel in control of the relationship or to avoid taking responsibility. The most consistent aspect is their being shifty, saying one thing today and then saying another the next day.

They have selective amnesia. Another thing that may happen when you’re discussing something, say with the involvement of a third party like their family, is they might at times cry their eyes out like they’re the victim when things don’t go their way and they don’t get what they want.

It can be pretty confusing and can throw you off guard, especially when you’ve not opened your eyes to what’s been going on. But let’s get this one thing straight: their tears are not your tears. It may sound very harsh, and you may feel horrible, but let’s explore further.

When they start crying because things are not tipping towards their side of the scale (and let’s be real here, their way is mostly pretty illogical), it’s easy to get caught up in that moment. You may feel guilty, responsible, like you really need to fix everything, or like you need to back down on the earlier ‘agreements.’

Tears- Unprocessed Tears

But their tears are never about you but more about what’s going on inside them. It’s like their insecurity, which is more like unprocessed tears being shaken as you’ve challenged their defence mechanism, which is feeling in control.

When they lose that and cannot immediately look for another defence or a way to avoid the situation, a whole bag of unprocessed tears will burst open temporarily.

Tears — As Crocodile Tears

Another aspect is those tears could also be crocodile tears, which is another avoidance mechanism. As you very well know, we can use tears to get away from trouble, and to them, trouble is taking responsibility or seeing the logic of the situation. These are the tears that are not really about deep introspection or coming to terms with the games they’ve been playing with you; instead, they’re more about them being a victim so that the tables will probably turn in their favour.

So, when you’re caught up in that scene, it can be scary, and I am not saying that you should become a cold-hearted robot. Your heart might squeeze when you see those tears, and that’s normal; you’re human after all.

But here’s the thing: just because you feel something heavy in your heart as a reaction or response to their tears doesn’t mean that you have to act because of it. You can simply acknowledge those feelings without letting them control you. You can see their tears, feel that twinge of empathy, but still stand your ground. Don’t get drawn in. At the end of the day, their emotional reaction is not your responsibility.

So, their tears can be another tool of manipulation or another tool in their arsenal of ‘I will avoid responsibility,’ but you don’t have to play their game. Just observe, take that one step back, and know it doesn’t change the fact that they’ve been taking you for granted and exploiting you to suit their emotional needs. It’s not about being cruel; it’s about taking care of yourself and standing firm with your emotional boundaries.

It’s their job to process their tears. Even if they’re genuine, they’re still theirs. As for you, you have a lot of unprocessed tears that you’ve been holding deep inside in the relationship, and now it’s yours to face. That’s your stuff to work on now, and what you’re seeing, no matter the reason, is their stuff.

So, next time your partner starts sobbing in front of people because things have not gone their way or they’re disappointed, and you know that behind the scenes they are very manipulative, just take a deep breath and remind yourself that their tears are not your tears. It can be triggering, yes, but your job is to now feel what’s being triggered in you.

This applies even to those close to you. For those who are not using it to manipulate you, you can provide them that shoulder or space to cry, but it’s still their responsibility. You can be kind to others without being a pushover or a sponge to their tears. It’s okay to be moved by their emotions, but it’s also very okay to maintain your boundaries. Come rain or shine, you’re only responsible for your own emotions.

Note from the Author

If you’re ready and you’d like my help with healing, finding peace in life and breaking free from these toxic patterns, then you can book a FREE BREAKTHROUGH CALL with me HERE. Happy healing 💙💙. Feel free to share and comment! Use this information with caution, it comes from my own thoughts & bias, experiences and research😊.