We frequently talk about commitment issues in relationships, right? It’s always something like ‘Oh, he’s afraid of commitment’ or ‘She doesn’t want to settle down even though we’ve been together for some time.’ I’ve been there, especially on the receiving end of being afraid of commitment, but then I had some somewhat genuine reasons or concerns why not to.

We talk about commitment so much to the point where we mostly look at people who want commitment or who even say they’re committed as more ‘serious’ about the relationship than those who are not committed. But here’s something we don’t discuss enough or even consider: what about when someone, or you yourself, is pushing for commitment too hard or too fast?

First, what does commitment really mean in a relationship? It’s not just about putting a ring on it or going for honeymoon or changing your Facebook status. It’s more about emotional investment, sticking around when things get tough, and genuinely wanting to grow together.

Now, don’t get me wrong — some level of commitment is necessary for a relationship to thrive and grow. It’s like creating a safe space where both of you can be yourselves without fear of judgment. When you have that, you can share your concerns, explore your deepest feelings, and really get to know each other when you have that genuine desire to do so.

But here’s the tricky part — true commitment can’t be forced or you can’t hammer that into someone you’re dating. It’s not something you can demand or force into existence. It’s got to come from the heart, from a real desire to deepen your connection.

I’ve seen many cases where someone pushes for commitment way too soon. They’re already planning what they will wear at their weddings after the third or fourth date! While it might seem romantic or affectionate on the surface, it’s often a red flag. It’s like they’re more in love with the idea of being in a committed relationship than with you as a person.

So, with commitment issues, it’s more of someone constantly breaking agreements or shying away from setting parameters for the relationship, right? But on the flipside, if they’re rushing to label everything and lock you down before you’ve even had a chance to really know or understand each other, that’s not healthy either.

Rushing for Commitment = Deep insecurity

So, when you’re pushing or kind of begging someone to commit to the point that you’re very resentful because they’re not committing, it often comes from a place of deep insecurity and fear rather than love. It’s like they’re trying to use the relationship as a band-aid for their own issues or emptiness. You’re so afraid and scared on a deep level that you can’t see yourself without that relationship.

Commit to You Before Seeking Commitment

Here’s what I always tell my clients — before you seek someone else’s commitment, you need to be committed to yourself first or to taking care of you. It’s about knowing who you are, what you want, and what you’re capable of giving in a relationship. It’s about working on your own stuff, healing your own wounds. It’s not about using the commitment band-aid as a way to escape your own issues.

Because here’s the thing — when you’re secure deep within yourself, you don’t really see the need of pushing for premature commitment. You’re just very comfortable letting the relationship unfold naturally. You’re also not trying to force that connection or rush into something before it’s ready yet.

Also, when you cling so much to wanting ‘commitment’, someone may come along and manipulate you by mirroring that which you deeply desire, only for you to later realize that they were not really committed but were committed to exploiting you. But you couldn’t see that because your wounds, insecurities, and conditioning were clouding your judgment.

So, take the time to commit to yourself first and really be sure of yourself. Then, when that ‘right’ person comes along, you’ll be ready to build a commitment that’s based on mutual growth and genuine connection — not fear or neediness. And if it doesn’t work, you’ll be ready to leave or stand up for yourself because your inner you cannot tolerate any kind of mistreatment.

In the end, commitment isn’t about losing your freedom or locking someone down or seeking some sort of permanence. It’s about creating a strong foundation from which both of you can blossom and become your best selves- together. The only one who can understand if it’s coming out of fear is just you.