You’ve been stuck in the soul-sucking narcissistic abuse cycle for way too long. But now you’re finally free from their mind-distorting manipulation. You should be proud of yourself that you’ve finally broke free from the jaws of someone who’s really left a dent in your life, but I bet a part of you is still holding onto that hope though — the fantasy where your ex abruptly “wakes up”, realizes how amazing you truly are, and comes crawling back, begging for a second chance.

You long for a day when you’ve ‘healed’, become successful in life, and toned your body again so they can see how good-looking and amazing you are, or so you can prove to them that they lost a wonderful soul. That’s how it mostly feels when your narcissistic ex has discarded you and moved in with their new supply. You have this craving and urge to prove to them that you’re worthy, so they can regret losing you somehow.

It’s tempting to follow that path and it’s not such a dangerous path especially when you lack the motivation to work on yourself early on, but it can be dangerous because you may run out of gas in your healing journey.

Sorry to burst that tempting little fantasy bubble, but here’s the harsh truth: narcs don’t have “awakenings” like that. Their entire sense of self-worth is constructed around devaluing and controlling others. Once you remove yourself as their source of supply by leaving or when you’re discarded, they simply move on to their next target for approval and validation. You could become a literal saint while doing ‘furious inner work’ on yourself, and it wouldn’t make a whiff of difference to them.

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This is where so many survivors of abuse may get stuck after escaping that relationship. You pour all this time and energy into healing, levelling up, and “becoming the best version of yourself”…with the hidden agenda of low-key hoping your nex eventually recognizes your “glow up” and comes crawling back. Maybe you think if you show them through your actions and personal growth how wrong they were about you, their narcissistic ego will magically be humbled, they will have an epiphany, change their behaviour, and the happily-ever-after will resume like nothing happened.

Wake up. I know you’re used to prioritizing other people and trying to impress them in life. I know you want others to value you because you’ve never valued yourself or seen the value in yourself, but that’s where your deeply ingrained beliefs want you to be fixated. Those negative beliefs, moulded by the people who’ve left a dent in your life, are the same beliefs that sneakily try to keep you glued to them. They don’t care about your journey. You’re working on yourself because you’re the sole beneficiary of it; others are secondary.

They only need you for supply. Yes, if you ‘work’ on yourself, you might become some sort of high-grade supply, and they might come crawling back to you. But what’s the point of doing all that work only to take yourself back into the same cycle of abuse, where everything you’re building will be torn apart?

The truth is brutally simple: narcissists are psychologically incapable of having a genuine “rediscovery” of how great their exes are after discarding them. Their whole self-concept is maintained by endlessly seeking out new sources to idealize and devalue. The devaluation process will always repeat in their new relationships too until those people leave or bore them. Until they sit down and really confront their insecurities, voids, and fears deep inside, they will keep chasing and controlling. That’s just how it is.

This also applies to you. The only way forward is to recognize the void, insecurities, and fears that have been exposed after that narcissistic discard. Chasing after them is what your false identity wants you to do. Instead, commit all your energy to working on yourself. Sorry to say this, but the same things manipulative people run away from and avoid are the things we also avoid. So, stop it and clean your closet.

You may say, “But Edwin, what’s the problem with working on myself to prove a point to them? Am I not still working on myself?”

You may have a point, but your healing will be ‘half-baked’ as genuine healing is all about seeing all the dark corners of your mind, not just a small compartment. The problem also is that when your motivation is to prove a point to them, you’re still giving them power over your life and self-worth. You will not be freely letting go and cleaning out all the fragments from the past. You can imagine it as building a beautiful garden to impress your unappreciative neighbor; you will always be anxious and even miss out on the joy of gardening.

So quit clinging to that fantasy of being suddenly appreciated and loved by your nex one day once you ‘do the work’! It’s just prolonging your unhealthy attachment to someone incapable of truly valuing you. Let go of that need for their validation, and accept the reality that the only approval that matters now is your own self-love and self-acceptance. The narc’s opinion is and always will be irrelevant, because you were never anything more than a disposable source to them. It stings, but knowing that lets you keep healing on your own terms.

Note from the Author

If you’re ready and you’d like my help with healing, finding peace in life and breaking free from these toxic patterns, then you can book a FREE BREAKTHROUGH CALL with me HERE. Happy healing 💙💙. Feel free to share and comment! Use this information with caution, it comes from my own thoughts & bias, experiences and research😊.