When you’re in a committed relationship or married and your partner doesn’t want to change, but they’re doing things that bother you, like hanging out with friends you don’t like, not calling you, or flirting with others, what should you do? Should you just wake up and leave, find another relationship, or try to force them to change? Let’s explore this in the perspective of not simply leaving but looking at it from an angle where you’re using it to help you grow. This only applies for relationships which are somewhat unhealthy but not abusive.

The first thing to do when your partner does something you don’t like is to understand how it affects you personally, not just externally. If you feel really upset or sad when your partner doesn’t answer your calls, it might mean there’s something you need to address within yourself. It could be your own insecurities, fears of losing them, being alone, abandoned, or cheated on.

So, it’s important to focus on yourself first. When you take a step back and reflect, you might realize there are aspects within yourself that need your attention. I’ve seen this happen with someone close to me. She wanted her partner to change, but after talking with her, she realized that she had been neglecting herself and always putting her partner’s needs before her own, constantly trying to please them and impress them. In fact, she had never even taken herself out.

When you look within, you realize that there are things you’ve never done for yourself because you’re so ingrained in your partner and their behavior or the desire for change. And it’s not your fault; it’s just that sometimes, due to how we’ve been taught about relationships, we become very focused on the other person. We put all our attention on them, forgetting about ourselves. Before even thinking about wanting your partner to change their behavior, look at yourself. Then, after self-reflection, begin to change certain aspects within yourself. Start by shifting away from prioritizing others over yourself, establishing boundaries, and acknowledging your own needs.

Then, what you’ll realize is that there are two possible outcomes. You may find that your partner feels challenged to begin their own journey of growth. Sometimes, when you start asserting your independence, setting boundaries, and being true to yourself, your partner may feel threatened. This could lead to them reacting with anger, or they might respond in a positive way.

They might also decide to change because you’re no longer tolerating their behavior. You’re not entertaining their subtle manipulation or playing the victim. Sometimes, partners engage in these behaviors because they’ve done them for a long time and you’ve also been knowingly/unknowingly enabling them, but when you assert yourself, it can prompt them to change. They might start seeking help because they realize it’s not just about losing you; it’s about improving themselves.

And even if your partner doesn’t change right away, if they don’t change, when you focus on yourself, you’ll know the best course of action. You won’t be acting out of fear but out of prioritizing yourself or seeing the situation clearly. So, it’s a win-win situation for you. You’ll reach a point where you can be okay with the relationship or with your partner changing their behaviors, but you can also be okay without the relationship.

That’s the essence of working on yourself. It’s about giving yourself options, rather than feeling confined to making something work no matter what. When you focus on personal growth, it might inspire your partner to change, but ultimately, the one who changes will always be you. It’s important to be okay with whatever outcome, knowing that you’ll have a better life whether you stay in the relationship or not. So, before repeatedly asking your partner to change their behavior, take a moment to understand how their actions affect you.

This applies to relationships with typical challenges, not abuse, but personal growth is essential regardless of the relationship. Rather than viewing the relationship as a lifelong commitment, see it as a journey for personal growth and learning. By focusing on growing the you, you might positively influence your partner, as they say, “iron sharpens iron.” But if they don’t, you’ll be better equipped to determine the best path forward for yourself.

Note from the Author

If you’re ready and you’d like my help with healing, finding peace in life and breaking free from these toxic patterns, then you can book a FREE BREAKTHROUGH CALL with me HERE. Happy healing 💙💙. Feel free to share and comment! Use this information with caution, it comes from my own thoughts & bias, experiences and research😊.