When you’re in an abusive relationship or you’re married to someone who is manipulative or exhibiting some sort of toxic behaviors, and then you have kids together, there’s this question that will also bog you down: the question or the fear of your kids turning out to be abusive because they’re being raised in an abusive household. You might be divorced or co-parenting with them, but you’re so worried about your kids’ future that it’s giving you sleepless nights or regrets about why you had kids with someone or why you ignored the red flags. You do have a clear understanding that kids learn from their parents and their environment, and you are worried about them learning those toxic behaviors or even ending up in toxic relationships themselves. So, what is it about this fear and how do you deal with it?

You May Never Know

The fear actually lies not in the future, but in the present moment. You are contemplating the future, but it’s something over which you have no control. Logically speaking, you cannot control the relationships your kids will have in the future. Some people can be raised in abusive households, yet still end up in healthy relationships.

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Perhaps they find a way through therapy or discover their own path in life, learning about themselves along the way. Therefore, there’s no guarantee that your kids will end up in healthy relationships, and it’s beyond your control. You can never truly predict if your kids will attract toxic relationships or become abusive. While there’s a possibility that they may become victims or perpetrators of abuse due to their upbringing, it’s not a certainty. What is clear, however, is that because they learn from their environment and from both parents, they may adopt extreme behaviors, either being abusive or being abused.

Focus on You in the Present

There is always one solution which is within you control which is working on yourself, if you focus on yourself in the present moment, if you concentrate on establishing boundaries, if you prioritize self-care, if you refuse to tolerate abuse, then perhaps you can become a positive role model for them. Because if, by bad luck, they end up in an abusive relationship, at least they’ll remember, ‘Ah, at least my mom or my dad left an abusive relationship, and they were okay.’ So they can learn from your example of standing up for yourself, rather than from your fear for them. Because typically, this fear for them isn’t actually about them. It’s all about you.

Fearing for Their Future is A Perfect Distraction.

The mind has a tendency to seek anything to maintain the status quo, you might find yourself dwelling excessively on fearing for your kids’ future to the point where you neglect yourself. You may prioritize your kids to such an extent that you don’t even consider your own needs. Your kids may be too young to understand concepts like toxic relationships. But for you, the obsession likely stems from your deep understanding of conditioning and similar concepts. Your knowledge may be weighing you down, diverting your focus away from yourself. Instead of acknowledging that you’re allowing someone to mistreat you, you remain fixated on your children.

Once you realize that there’s actually nothing more you can do for your kids and that what you’re already doing is sufficient, then you’ll begin to understand that perhaps what you need to do is simply focus on yourself. By working on yourself, you may gradually come to the realization that your kids will start to see you as someone they admire. Perhaps when they grow up, they’ll reflect, ‘Hmm, I learned something valuable from my mom, I learned something important from my dad. I learned about morals and the importance of not tolerating abusive behavior.’

And that’s how we help each other grow. We facilitate growth not by fearing for them and merely taking care of them superficially, but by prioritizing our own self-care. When we focus on ourselves, they naturally learn from our example. This is the most effective way to impart lessons. Instead of instructing them, ‘Hey, learn about boundaries,’ people don’t typically learn by being told. They learn by observing, especially children. You could be telling them to understand boundaries, but if you don’t have those boundaries yourself, they’ll sense the inconsistency. This might make them feel that you’re simply putting on a facade or hiding your true feelings behind a mask.

So they simply follow what they observe. Therefore, the fear is valid, but it’s not entirely grounded in reality; it serves more as a diversion from self-reflection. You can’t change your kids’ future directly. What you can influence is the present moment. By being a role model, addressing your own issues, being accountable, and taking full responsibility for your life, you lay the groundwork for their future. Trying to control the future is futile; instead, focus on the present and lead by example.

Note from the Author

If you’re ready and you’d like my help with healing, finding peace in life and breaking free from these toxic patterns, then you can book a FREE BREAKTHROUGH CALL with me HERE. Happy healing 💙💙. Feel free to share and comment! Use this information with caution, it comes from my own thoughts & bias, experiences and research😊.