Today I’ll be answering this question: Do abusers escalate the abuse if you allow them back into your life? This is a very interesting question because, in fact, I think research has said that most people who’ve been in abusive relationships go back like seven times before they finally leave. Of course, that doesn’t mean that you should follow suit because there’s no one-size-fits-all solution. However, people may go back because their partner may have promised to change their behaviors. The abuser may come back to you and then apologize, cry; your parents may also beg you to go back to them, your friends may tell you that they’ve changed their behavior, they can even tell you they’ve started therapy. So, you may be asking yourself this question: if I go back, will it really escalate their abuse or will things become very okay?

Actually, the thing is, if you go back, it may escalate the abuse. This is because of one thing: if you allow them back into your life, let’s say you leave the first time, let’s say the first time they were just verbally abusive, just unavailable, right? But now, the moment you go back, they get this feeling of like, “Hmm, it simply means that maybe if I now cross this boundary, they’ll come back again.” Like, when you go back, it’s like you’re telling them, “Even if you do something to me and apologize, I’ll still come back.” It’s like you’re giving them the key to cross another boundary, like apologize and everything, you don’t even need to change your behavior and I’ll still come back.

So, what will happen is the abuse may escalate. Of course, initially when you go back to them, they may still go back to the love bombing and everything, but now, the point where the abuse will go up because they want to control you more and more. They don’t want you to leave. You left because when you left, there’s also that feeling of retaliation and revenge because you left them.

So, to them, they really feel bitter if you leave them. But now, when you come back, they’re like, “Yeah, this time around, I’ll teach them a lesson.” Of course, they may not tell you directly, but to them, they may see that as an opportunity for them to really show you a lesson to the point that you will not leave them.

Yeah, that’s why sometimes you may end up going back and then end up being financially abused because they want to teach you a lesson. Someone who’s an abuser actually has not gone inwards and dealt with the feelings of anger they have towards others. So, they’ll always pour the anger they have towards you. Because actually, if there’s something which is very, very hard for most people, it’s forgiveness. Forgiveness is not really about someone begging like, “Please forgive me.” No, it’s going inwards and releasing the feelings of anger and frustration. So, when you go back to them, the anger and frustration they still have towards you and towards others is still there and it will even have amplified because you left them. It will only be waiting for the perfect moment for it to be poured onto you.

There’s nothing like forgiveness on a surface level as reaching that level of forgiveness is only possible when you’ve really gone deeper and released those feelings of anger and resentment you have towards others and yourself. So, the things they have against you will still be there. Of course, they’ll just put it aside and maybe love bomb you, maybe apologize, but as long as they’ve not really gone inwards, it will still arise later on in the relationship when they now feel that you cannot leave. So, the abuse may escalate if you go back, and you should not even be thinking of letting them back into your life. Instead, you should just be thinking of giving yourself a life.

Once you’ve been through a lot, a lot of experiences and having a relationship should be your last of your concerns. The first concern you should be having is to just work on yourself, work on your emotional wounds and heal those wounds and all those painful things those people have inflicted on your life. And that’s how you really transform yourself as a person. So, don’t think of letting them back into your life, just let yourself back into your life.

Note from the Author

If you’re ready and you’d like my help with healing, finding peace in life and breaking free from these toxic patterns, then you can book a FREE BREAKTHROUGH CALL with me HERE. Happy healing 💙💙. Feel free to share and comment! Use this information with caution, it comes from my own thoughts & bias, experiences and research😊.