Many of my clients, especially those with kids who experienced the abusive relationship, often worry about losing custody of their children after ending the toxic marriage or relationship. It’s a common fear, and many people feel like they can never get past it or find a way out. Losing your kids to someone who’s abusive or manipulative is not something you can just sit down and think about. I’m going to explain why this fear is legitimate and what you need to do, as well as the meaning of letting go.

Firstly, let’s explore why you have this fear. In an abusive relationship, there’s a dynamic of power and control at play, and the abuser will go to great lengths to manipulate and control you. They may weaponize your kids to attack you, isolate them from you, or even tell them that you are the abusive one. The abuser might also use extravagant gestures, like expensive vacations or gifts, to win the kids over. This can create a situation where your kids may prefer the abuser because they seem more extravagant and ‘caring’, especially if the abuser has gained financial advantage during the divorce proceedings or throughout the course of the relationship.

To your innocent kids, your ex may appear as someone who has got their act together, and they might even seem like the parent they’d prefer to spend most of their time with. They may also spoil your kids with things they need for immediate gratification, like junk food, candy, extensive time playing video games, or just something pleasurable, which a caring parent would not typically indulge their kids in.

Moreover, many manipulative people may seem unaffected by the end of a relationship; some may have already moved on with someone new while you’re still grappling with the traumatic experiences they subjected you to. They proceed to move forward swiftly, almost as if you were never a part of their lives, leaving you contending with feelings of hate, anger, resentment, and betrayal. This emotional turmoil can lead others, including your own children, to align with the abuser, which even further exacerbates the fear of losing them.

So, what can you do?

The first step is to ask yourself, on a logical level, what you can possibly do. Logic becomes challenging when you are still burdened by the painful emotions of a past relationship. What you can try to do is temporarily setting aside those emotions (with the intention of revisiting them later) and approaching the situation rationally to assess your options in reclaiming custody of your kids. It’s essential to acknowledge that, unfortunately, the abuser often possesses significant power, wealth, and influence, resources that you may not have at your disposal.

They might be corrupting or manipulating the system, and some could be involved with influential figures. The abuser, with their superficial charm and apparent ‘confidence,’ might project an image to the public as the one who can ‘rightfully’ care for the children. Handling these situations emotionally can result in being portrayed as the irrational and dramatic party.

Directly confronting them may not be the most effective solution, as it often plays into their love for drama and manipulation. If you can manage to remain calm even for a brief period, you may discover alternative solutions that hadn’t crossed your mind. This approach helps you avoid losing yourself in a confrontation with someone who thrives in dramatic environments.

Heal the Pain then ‘Fight’

The best course of action is to shift your focus from the external battle, such as the custody fight for your kids, and instead, initiate an inner struggle to heal from the damage inflicted by the past relationship. Concentrate on cultivating your self-worth and self-esteem, recognizing on a profound level that having children with an abuser doesn’t make you a bad parent; you simply didn’t know any better. Regardless of the outcome, strive not to harbor resentment towards yourself and avoid losing your identity in the process of winning back your kids.

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Realize that throughout the relationship, you were essentially parenting your children alone while also dealing with another adult, highlighting your resilience. As you undergo the healing process, you’ll discover that your kids may be physically distant, but the love in your heart for them remains unaltered. This self-discovery may lead you to understand that you’re not a bad parent, and perhaps there’s nothing more you could have done. It also becomes apparent that if there is something you can do, you’ll approach it with newfound clarity.

I’ve worked with clients who initially feared losing their connection with their kids due to the manipulative tactics of their ex-partner. However, as they kept working on themselves, they observed immediate improvements in their relationship with their children. This is a common occurrence because, as a parent, when you approach your kids not from a standpoint of fear but with care and compassion, positive changes often follow. The positive changes may not always follow but you will know you did all the best you could and it’s okay.

There’s a Swahili proverb that encapsulates this sentiment: “A good thing sells itself while a bad thing has to be advertised.” Once you’ve healed and internalized that you are a good, loving, and caring parent, you won’t let your kids’ actions define you. Instead, you’ll understand that your actions stem from love.

In conclusion, healing allows you to approach the situation more logically, without reacting out of anger or frustration. Taking a step back and working on your pain first before seeking an expensive lawyer enables you to see the situation clearly. Even if you lose custody physically, working on your pain ensures you don’t lose yourself. Your kids will see you as a composed, calm, and peaceful individual, which can make a significant impact in the long run. Losing your kids physically doesn’t mean losing them on a deeper level. By working on your pain and finding peace within, you may increase the chances of reconnecting with your kids later on. So, focus on letting go of the pain, find yourself, and then take logical steps like finding a good lawyer. Respond rather than react, and it will be much easier for you.

Note from the Author

If you’re ready and you’d like my help with healing, finding peace in life and breaking free from these toxic patterns, then you can book a FREE BREAKTHROUGH CALL with me HERE. Happy healing 💙💙. Feel free to share and comment! Use this information with caution, it comes from my own thoughts & bias, experiences and research😊.