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What to Do When the Narcissist Wants to Be Your Friend
Ending a relationship with a narcissist is not easy but once you do it, there’s a huge relief and you just want to stay away from them as far as possible. You’ve been through hell and you don’t want to hear from them. You’re practicing no contact or minimal contact and you’ve started processing some of your past hurts. You now understand that you deserve better in life. But now, what happens when your narcissistic ex wants to be friends with you? They may ask you a question like, “Can we just be friends?”
This is one of those questions which will trigger those memories of the good times you had with the narc or the times they came through in your life. The question will look so genuine and that’s what makes it really hard to immediately say no to the offer. You will also tie it in with that fact that your narcissistic ex was ‘friends’ with their exes and you may feel that it’s not such a bad idea. After all, what can go wrong when you’re just friends? Some other part of you (the hopeful side) will also be like, maybe if you can become friends, at least you’ll not lose them for good. You can still reignite that old romance if you they manage to change their behaviors. Your mind will always seek self-preservation and will want to cling to something till the end. So, the thought of being friends or not being friends with the narc may not be as easy you might think. Let’s first understand some of the common reasons why the narcissist may want to be friends with you.
Why Do Narcissists Want to Be Friends?
1.Narcissist Supply
The main reason why they want to be friends with you is, of course, to try to keep their supply sources closer. A narcissist needs endless supply to survive and this supply can be money, sex or just anything that makes them feel significant. It’s so easy to get hoovered back in when you’re maintaining ‘friendly’ contact with your ex. You still have some feelings for them and with your ‘dry spell’, you’ll find yourself crossing the line and even having some ‘friends with benefits’ kind of arrangement. When they have you as their friend they know that they can come knocking at the door especially when they’ve not secured stable supply elsewhere. The other form of supply they might want from you is your physical resources like, a house or money since you can’t really say no to a friend in need.
2.Reputation
Some narcissists will care so much about their reputation and how others perceive them. They may want to be friends with you so that they can be seen as that ‘good person’ who has resolved issues with their exes. They are gaining positive scores for being in ‘friendly’ terms with you and it even makes it easy for them to get into new relationships. It’s so easy to influence someone else with the gist of having made amends with the exes. That admiration that they have good terms with their exes is what they want even when things are different behind the curtains.
3.Maintain their Control
They last reason is they don’t want to lose their influence and dominance over you. When you’re friends with someone, you’ll tend to share with them some of your current undertakings or just any other things they may ask. When a narc seeks to be your friend, they know they’ll be keeping tabs on you and they can still influence you however they wish. You might have broken up with them, but being friends creates a kind of pseudo-relationship where they can still control your emotions and your actions.
You will not have the space and time to explore your newly-found freedom away from them because you’ll still be constantly hearing from them.
Is it worth it to be Friends with the Narcissist?
The simple answer is no. It all starts with friendship but your conversations will always be having ‘love bombs’ or ‘insidious digs and put-downs’ then you’ll find yourself opening your door and repeating the same cycle. Your mind will also lie to you that you’ve figured them out and you will not fall for the same patterns and it’s just friendship, nothing more. But that’s not always the case, they still know how to get to you and the door of friendship is just another door that exploits your compassionate and empathetic self. They still know what triggers you and what buttons to process and you’ll get hurt. When you maintain friendship with them, it makes it so easy for you to be hoovered back into the relationship or to be used by the narcissist. Never underestimate them or overestimate your ability to keep them away especially when you’ve not dealt with those wounds and deeply understood your boundaries.
Another thing is, being friends with your narcissist may be the greatest barrier to you moving on. When you’re friends with them even if it has ‘good vibes’, you’re still holding on to the old connections with them. The mind will always hold onto the old and familiar ways as it feels that’s the safest place for you. It won’t entertain the new or the idea of letting go because it’s scary and full of negative emotions like loneliness and sadness. So, maintaining friendship with your narcissistic ex is like clinging onto a twig (it will ultimately break). When you’re alone or when you break up with the narc, your deepest insecurities and wounds are exposed. It’s the best time to now go inwards and deal with them but when you maintain contact with them even if it’s the form of friendship, you’re choosing (uncosciously) to bury those wounds again. So, do not accept the approaches of your narcissistic ex and expose yourself to those uncomfortable emotions (safely) so that you can transcend them and connect with yourself.
Note from the Author
If you’re ready and you’d like my help with healing, finding peace in life and breaking free from these toxic patterns, then you can book a FREE BREAKTHROUGH CALL with me HERE. Happy healing 💙💙. Feel free to share and comment! Use this information with caution, it comes from my own thoughts & bias, experiences and research😊.
