In one way or another, we always hope that our partner is going to change to become the kind of partner we want. In fact, this is the main reason why people stay too long in a toxic relationship or toxic marriage, because they cling to the hope that their partner will change their abusive ways or ill behavior. It’s not easy to be honest with oneself that change may not happen, and it might be time to leave and start over.

This is because someone thinks of the loneliness, feeling of investment they’ve had in that relationship, as well as other factors that may convince someone to wait. This waiting period is also filled with rationalization of any abusive behavior, as the desire to have our partners change far outweighs the emotional pain one is going through in that relationship where they’re probably being cheated on and emotionally abused.

The thought of that relationship you’ve built for years coming to ruin is always the last thing, and one will always choose to stay unhappily in that relationship than face the truth that the relationship is falling apart. The truth will painfully set you free, but the beauty is that truth instantly sets you free, however painful it feels. In this article, I am going to share with you some signs you can use to determine if your partner is going to change or not, and why you need to leave for the sake of your own peace and mental health.

Signs They will Never Change

1. They minimize any abuse or deny how serious it was.

A relationship will have scuffles, arguments, and all those kinds of up and down moments. In all those instances, sober and mature people will resolve them in a healthy manner, then proceed with their mutual partnership. If you are in an instance where your partner constantly abuses you emotionally or verbally, and then when you lament about it, they minimize how serious the matter is, then your partner is not going to change.

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They might gaslight and water down what they do to you with statements like, “You’re always whining over small things” or “You’re always such a crybaby,” and yet deep down you really feel hurt but they just can’t see it. This shows that your partner’s perception of what they do to you is not a serious matter to them, and they don’t see any need to change their ways. You might try to make them change their perception, but that’s their identity and it will be nearly impossible for them to see your perception of reality.

2. You have to constantly push them to seek help.

As the loving partner you are, you may find yourself constantly talking to your husband or wife to seek therapy or alternative personal development ways so that they change their behavior. You’re the one always instigating them to change because you really want to have that partner with the desirable qualities you want.

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That’s where we come to the good old African proverb: “You can take a donkey to the river, but you can’t force it to drink water.”

You cannot force someone to change their behaviors, even if you take them with you to your pastor or therapist. No amount of forcing will make someone change unless they have the willingness to change, and then you can facilitate. Your partner is not going to change if you’re the one who wants to extract that change out of him/her.

You may find yourself constantly reminding them to go to therapy or to change, to the point that you give them ultimatums (one week, two weeks, or else), but nothing’s happening. That’s the point where you need to realize that the fact you give someone ultimatums as a catalyst for change really means that you’re forcing it, and that person has no willingness to change for the sake of that relationship or for their own sake.

3. They blame you for their behavior and are never accountable.

Another way to determine if she/he is not going to change is if they constantly blame you for their actions and behavior. These are instances where your partner does some undesirable behavior like cheating on you, and then when you confront them, they throw something like, “I did it because you did this to me.”

Your partner will deflect all their ill behaviors back at you without even taking any accountability for their actions. This outrightly shows that your partner is not going to change and, in fact, they’re shifting the blame to another person so that they can escape the consequences of their actions.

Your partner might also shift the blame to someone else for what’s happening in their lives, and they’re never accountable for their actions. Without accountability, it means that someone is not owning up to what they’re doing, and without that ownership and seeing the truth of the situation, then change is not possible. You will find yourself asking them questions about what they did, but they will deflect with “They/you made me do it.”

4. They constantly apologize with no action or change in behavior.

“I promise I will not do it again” and “I am sorry” mean nothing if someone keeps doing the same thing they vowed not to do. If your partner keeps apologizing to you every now and then without any significant change in their behavior, then it probably means their default is constantly apologizing with no action.

The more you give someone a hint that you will accept every apology and forgive them for their actions, the more they will keep doing it, as they know you will accept their apology. If you’re caught up in this constant pattern of an apology with no action, then probably your partner is not going to change.

The only measure of change is changed behavior and not constant “I am sorry.” Your sense of leniency will be constantly exploited and may also bring about this feeling that you’re tolerating their undesirable behavior. When you find someone constantly doing the same pattern over and over, then it means that they have no desire to change, and they don’t even have your best interests at heart. You are constantly in pain, but they don’t even care how you feel.

4. They constantly lie and are manipulative.

If your partner constantly lies when you confront them about any issue, then it means they’re really comfortable with what they’re doing. They may even be manipulating you and telling you that you’re seeing your own things when you have evidence of what’s happening.

If they also constantly manipulate you to have their needs met, then your partner probably won’t change their ways, as they’ve found a way to ‘supply’ themselves in that relationship. As long as someone is confidently denying the reality of the situation, then it really means that they’re deeply rooted in the reality of what they’re doing, and no amount of talking will make them change. They will use all manipulative tricks in the book, and they rarely will be honest about what they’re doing.

Conclusion

There are many factors that indicate your partner will not change, but the key aspect of it all is changed behavior, not words and promises. I understand that you’ve really invested in that man or woman and you do not want to leave them.

You even wish you hadn’t seen those messages on their phones because that’s now shaking the foundation you’ve built for years. But here’s the thing, as long as there’s no truth, any foundation will be shaken, even if you deny it. The truth will always be there, but what consumes our energy is denying or avoiding the truth of the matter.

You may be unhappy in that relationship, but you really can’t see beyond it, and you choose to suffer for the sake of keeping things together and portraying an image that you’re together. But what’s the point of being physically together when deep inside, there’s no connection, only resentment?

The more you stay in a relationship with a partner who constantly hurts you, the more you will get hurt, and the more the trauma will escalate to the complex side. It is painful to leave, but there’s freedom awaiting once you discover the beauty of your wholeness.

One last thing I’d like you to think about is this: we always want someone to change to become the kind of partner we want, right? We have painted this picture of how we want them to be, what we want them to do for us, how we want them to treat us, how they should behave in the relationship, or just more on them doing something we want.

That’s more like we are not content with what we’re seeing presently. Now, let’s look at this from the eyes of our partners whom we want to change. What if they also want to change you to become the kind of partner they want, but they now do so in insidious and manipulative ways?

They want you to keep quiet about what they’re doing, they want you to ignore their bad behavior, they want you to ignore that they’re cheating because it serves their needs. This means that your clinging to them means they’ve succeeded in changing (manipulating) you, as their needs and desires are being met, even if they’re doing it in a manner that hurts you (selfishly). (Hope that makes sense; those are my own thoughts and opinions worth pondering. Just like any information, critique it and do not take it as truth; find out for yourself.)

It doesn’t mean I encourage any ill behavior, but I wanted to just point out that at times, instead of waiting for people to change, let’s look at it as more like they might be ‘comfortable’ with what they’re doing, as it serves them really well, and there’s no need for you to force and try to change them. If you view things as they are and not as they should be, you will avoid the conflict between the reality you’re living in (truth) and the reality you want (illusion).

Note from the Author

If you’re ready and you’d like my help with healing, finding peace in life and breaking free from these toxic patterns (in less than 2 months) , then you can book a FREE BREAKTHROUGH CALL with me HERE. Happy healing 💙💙. Feel free to share and comment! Use this information with caution, it comes from my own thoughts & bias, experiences and research😊.