Narcissists are experts at testing boundaries to see how much control they can exert over their targets. Today, I’m going to talk about how narcissists test your boundaries, what it really means, and some of the tactics they use to get to you when you try to set and uphold your boundaries.

Boundaries are more like the things you cannot tolerate from others and the things you can tolerate from others, or your values, beliefs, or just those things that define who you are. So, mostly toxic relationships actually begin when someone starts testing those boundaries, when someone starts crossing that line, crossing your limits.

If you’ve been involved with a manipulative person before, you’ll feel that they always try to push you so much, always try to push you to lower those boundaries. The moment you lower them is the moment you become susceptible to abuse.

So, why do they really make you lower your boundaries?

They make you lower those boundaries because the moment you lower those boundaries, you’ll be serving their needs, the moment you lower those boundaries, you’ll be susceptible to manipulation. They make you lower your boundaries so that they can see how far they can go in abusing and manipulating you. It’s just a game of trying to create a soft landing for their manipulative ways.

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A toxic relationship begins when you lower those boundaries. But when you keep your boundaries, you’ll never be used by anybody. So, I’m going to share with you some of the common tactics they use to push your boundaries or to poke those boundaries.

1. Making Excuses

They love making excuses about something they’ve done or something they haven’t done just to see how far you can go with accepting the excuses.

Let’s say you find them flirting with their ex-partners, and then you question them. They may make an excuse like, “Oh, we’re just having a business deal together.” The moment you accept that excuse, it will mean that the next time you find them doing something inappropriate, they’ll still use the same excuse.

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So, they just find excuses that can help them make you lower your boundaries. Let’s say your boundary was, “I will not tolerate someone who talks to their exes,” but now when the narcissist does it and they give you that excuse, and then you feel that you just have to let that boundary slide because they like given you a ‘genuine’ or satisfactory excuse. That’s how they’ve tested and violated your boundaries.

2. Change of Plans

So, you may have made plans together like you will be doing something next week or let’s meet at this time, but when it reaches that time, they just disappear or they stall you. Because keeping time is one of your boundaries, let’s say your boundary was, “I don’t want people who waste my time,” but the moment they change those plans and then they realize that you accept or you let it slide, that’s how they know that they can use a change of plans to really manipulate your boundaries. There’s no problem with change of plan but when it’s done repeatedly and you accept it then toxic people will use that against you.

3. Ignoring your Needs

This is where you may tell them to do something for you like helping you with cleaning the house, help you with this or that, but instead of doing it wholeheartedly, they may drag their feet and they may not even do it or do it half-heartedly just to see how you will react if they don’t listen to you.

So, the moment they stop doing it and you let it slide, that means you’re lowering your boundaries of asserting your needs to your partner. You will find yourself doing all households chores or other chores without requesting for their assistance because you know they won’t do it. That’s how they know, they can ignore your needs and you will still not be bothered.

4. Avoiding Responsibility

Let’s say you want them to do something or you want them to change something about themselves because you cannot tolerate it. Let’s say you want them to change their texting habit or something about their finances, but then they just blame something like, “I can’t do this because of that.” The moment you let that slide, it means that the next time you want to hold them accountable for some actions, they will still deflect it. That’s how they violate your boundaries.

5. Disrespecting your Values

They may disrespect your religious beliefs, values or preferences through harsh jokes or sarcasm just to see how far you can go. Can you assert your voice and say, “Hey, don’t talk harshly about my family” or “Don’t talk negatively about my past, my views, my values”? If you don’t assert or raise your voice and say no, they’ll know that they can push those boundaries because they know you don’t have the ability to say no. It start with soft jokes and it ends with total disrespect and disregard of your values.

Rinse and Repeat

So, always know that the moment you lower your boundaries the first time or you let them in through a small gap in your boundaries for the first time, the next time they’ll still use the same place to get to manipulate you.

So, if you want to have healthy relationships in life with anyone, it can be your mother, siblings, friends, or your partner, always keep, set, and uphold those boundaries. And if you get to the point where you just can’t keep those boundaries or you feel that your boundaries are weak, that’s when you need to work on yourself, work on what you believe about yourself that’s causing you not to keep those boundaries.

That’s what healing is all about, getting to the point where you are deeply secure, to the point that you can keep your boundaries even when it upsets other people or even when it makes other people feel like you are treating them harshly.

Note from the Author

If you’re ready and you’d like my help with healing, finding peace in life and breaking free from these subconscious patterns for good (in less than 2 months) using Mind Shifting, then you can book a FREE BREAKTHROUGH CALL with me HERE. Happy healing 💙💙. Feel free to share and comment! Use this information with caution, it comes from my own thoughts, experiences and research😊.